HGP Bonus: The Love Lie
“You have to love them, they’re family.” I ask why? No wonder so many people are confused about love and relationships.
Now, let me be clear, I am no expert on love but I have thoughts on things and some of those things include feelings and stuff. Dudes aren’t supposed to talk about or even have feelings but that is a subject for another day. So, if you’re someone who screams about Taylor Swift ruining football, if you think a certain giant Oompa-Loompa should still be president, and if it bothers you I used they, you may leave the conversation
I have been married to the some person for nearly thirty years but I am no expert on relationships. I have had seven dogs in my life but that doesn’t mean I am an expert on love. That said, I have thoughts on both subjects and how we as people are groomed to consider our basic biological signals as this thing we call feelings, misunderstanding of science religion controls through commandments and scripture. Ironically, the very nature White Christian Nationalists ignore to drive the Biggest Lie would likely fill the population gap their so terrified of falling into. Alas, that would unfortunately (for them) lead to their demise.
We have all seen the obligatory Valentine’s Day post about its bloody history but this is not one of those. This is about societies fascination with love when associated specifically to family, the family you’re born into (we can argue responsibly later) not the family you find. However, I do contest our strange relationship with love and family affects all our other relationships and overall expectations of love.
What is the feeling we call love? How does it influence our bodies when we’re hit by Cupid’s AR-15 love-round…I mean come on, you know the little cherub would have advanced to heavy weaponry by now. How do these feelings all relate to our, well, relatives?
“Oedipus, calling Dr. Oedipus”
So I ask, what is love?
As an aside, the link is provided if you just thought 🎶baby don’t hurt me🎶
Dubbed the ‘love hormone,’ Oxytocin is central to forming social bonds, enhancing trust, and deepening emotional connections through interactions such as conversation and physical touch. Despite the positive roles in fostering attachment and commitment, there is a darker aspect of influencing our memories of loved ones intensifying positive and negative emotions.
Vasopressin is considered the more ancient of the two hormones due to its association with excitement (such as attraction) and protective behaviors. Triggered by similar situations as oxytocin, vasopressin is released in response to a decrease in blood volume as well as stress and pain. Vasopressin regulates several diverse physiological functions including blood concentration, reproduction, complex behavior, memory, and learning. It plays a part in feelings we call possession and jealousy, these effects can be moderated by oxytocin suggesting complex interplay regulating the nuances of what we call love. The little thing we call love I believe is simply a biological process encouraging reproduction.
I contend these two hormones work together to ensure attraction and mating (known as love struck), protection of the family group (specifically offspring), and wanes to discourage inbreeding. We called this infatuation (or obsession) as we awoke into our own awareness. Warning to the dudes (who should have left by now) wanting to use this as an excuse for cheating, it is not…Period!
In fact, I would contend the natural order of things incudes men protecting their offspring while females go, be fruitful, and multiply.
There is a deeper interconnectivity between these and the following hormones I will identify as I unveil my thesis on love, family, and the complex onion that is our brain.
Next we have the multitalented little buddy well all know and love; dopamine!
Dopamine as a neurotransmitter, dopamine is involved in body functions needed for survival such as movement, memory, attention, learning, lactating, sleep and arousal.
Dopamine is also a key reward hormone, is linked to pleasurable activities including physical intimacy, causing euphoric feelings underscoring the motivation and desire to engage in mating, what we now call a relationship.
Now, if you’re still with me not only do I thank you from the bottom of my, not as cold as you might think, heart but aa sanity check. I am not somone who hates love, I love love. I love loved ones who love love but I don’t like the use of emotions as control. My thesis is essentially love is not a promise to family it is a bio-chemical reaction we have assigned meaning to; meaning we have allowed society and culture to define.
Testosterone and Estrogen, are sex hormones, crucial for reproductive desires and commonly associated with lust and infatuation. They drive the physical aspect of romantic relationships by encouraging sexual activity, which is then rewarded by dopamine.
Often misunderstood is their role in both males and females and maybe not as you think. Estradiol in men is essential for modulating libido, erectile function, and spermatogenesis among other things. For women, testosterone is an important hormone to help produce new blood cells, maintain bone health and libido, boost other reproductive hormones, to name a few.
Noradrenaline production is triggered when there is increased need to be alert. involved in the exhilaration of new romantic encounters, manifesting in physical symptoms like a racing heart and sweaty palms. It also plays a role in memory, making early dating moments memorable. Remember, dopamine is connected to attention and memory, memory-intensity is tied to oxytocin, vasopressin is further connected to memory and learning, now add Serotonin.
Serotonin is involved in our mood, how we sleep, digestion, nausea, blood clotting, sexual desire, and so much more. It has been found to cause mirroring patterns related to OCD suggesting love may profoundly alter mental states similar to psychological conditions. I would call that a chemical imbalance but society calls it ‘Crazy in love’, right? This chemical cycle will occasionally cause emotions to be misplaced within a family, potentially creating parental attachment problems, a polite way to say inappropriate grooming behavior and relationship disorders.
The amygdala is the emotion processing center connecting emotions to memories, learning, and your five senses.
Imagine the confusion when everything society taught about relationships doesn’t line up with how you feel when trust is damaged. When your body, your very own biochemistry, literally does not signal any of the above reactions it can cause extreme guilt and pressure to feel love.
Enter religion.
The first known use of any concept resembling love appeares written in Sanskrit, lubhyati, ‘desires.’ In Latin its libet, translating to ‘it is pleasing,’ and libido meaning ‘desire.’ In Old English lufu, a Germanic word, evolved into what we know today as love with its meaning rooted in desire.
Religion has co-opted what this particular biochemical admixture does to our brain.
Under the guise of tenets, doctrine, or commandments organized religion dictates how love should be expressed and experienced based on their teachings influencing, often dictating, behavior, relationships, and societal norms associated with love. Rituals and ceremonies celebrate, often, used to sanctify love, such as marriage.
As another aside — the religious motivation behind marriage I hope is obvious.
Religion co-opts love by embedding it within a spiritual and communal construct tying individual experience of love to additional layers of meaning, obligation, and support. Family.
I want to be clear I love the idea of family, nearly every definition of the word. I love many people in the circle I call family but I don’t love all of them. I do feel varying degrees of obligation but to say I love them is would be a lie and there is guilt
Religion, like abusers, will often use love as a tool to control and manipulate emotions creating dependencies in order to maintain what is often a patriarchal conservative agenda. Love thy father is a common overarching theme, Scientology uses the threat of isolation, most use conditional love but strictly based on their conditions.
We are socially obliged to love our family, everything says so, and when we don’t we are made to feel bad about it. I even feel weird about writing this. What will my family think? My family? If they don’t know I love them they need to look inward. Love is trust and is a two way street.
I contend this biochemical cycle combined with social and cultural norms leads to many different psychological disorders. It creates confusion when humans don’t feel what society defines as love for the people we are told we are required to love. We see in the news every day men brutally attacking, often murdering, women because of unrequited love or less. Think about that aunt, uncle, or cousin you just don’t like? Sibling maybe? Parents? Our definition of love involves trust and not fictional figurative chemistry, but literal biochemistry designed to drive instinct not culture.
Understanding how we think and why we do what we do is necessary. The more the layman understands the better everyone deals with the reality; we are biological machines driven by biochemical reactions with a unique understanding of our universe and the ability to people.
Thank you for sticking around and reading my word-structure. I encourage you not to take my word for anything I write, these are my thoughts based on my research and understanding. I encourage the lost art of debate and kindly agreeing to disagree.
