Emotional Dependency, An Emancipation

e·man·ci·pa·tion | /əˌmansəˈpāSH(ə)n/ | the fact or process of being set free from legal, social, or political restrictions; liberation.

Slavery. A horrible scar on the face of this country. February was black history month and during this month we celebrate the heroes and remember the struggles that we still face to this day. Slavery in its traditional sense is a topic that implies deep wounds and fiery feelings, however there is a kind of slavery that to me is much more impactful in todays day and age in our society. Emotional slavery, or as I prefer to call it, emotional dependency. It is the root cause of many of societies mental health issues and we would be wise to work hard to break its chains.

I think of concepts like Maslows hierarchy or Tony Robbins 6 basic human needs which attempt to put into context the basic needs we have as humans. These being certainty, variety, significance, love, growth, contribution in the case of Robbins. At a very basic level we all seek to have these six needs met even if we don’t realize it. My issue is not with the list, my issue is with the methods we use to fill these needs. That is where emotional dependency comes into play.

We seek to have these needs met by other people. We seek love from others, we seek certainty and security from others, and we damn sure seek significance from others. This leaves us incredibly vulnerable emotionally. It sets us up for dramatic failures and mental health woes down the road. So in order to achieve this emotional emancipation I talk about you must become emotionally independent. You must learn to fill these needs within yourself first, then add upon it through others not because of others.

I’ll use love as an example since it seems to be the most obvious and immediate example. You need to love yourself fully first before you can expect someone else to love you. If you at any moment rely solely on someone else to provide you with love, self esteem, or affection you will eventually be disappointed. People will never behave or react the way we want them to nor should they. It is not other peoples job to make you happy. They can contribute to your happiness but they must also find their own. To think that it is anybodys job other than your own to make you happy is hubris. Eventually someone will let you down and if they are the primary love/self esteem supply you will feel unloved and unappreciated. The key is not to shy away from external love or affection but rather to have enough within yourself to be truly fulfilled and let the rest be icing on the cake.

Too many people seek relationships, material goods, or accolades in order to fill gaps in their self esteem and they always fall short. That’s because once again it has to come from you first! You need to find yourself first in order to then go out and find someone who complements you and not the other way around.

Becoming emotionally independent allows you to drop expectations of others that are not only unfair but unrealistic. It will decrease disappointment and allow for greater self discovery. It will keep you happy amongst chaos. I work on it every day, some days I do well. Others not so much.

The battle continues…