You Suck. Please Advise.

That phrase has to die.

Jessica Turner
Apr 15, 2014 · 4 min read

I hate please advise with a passion that rivals my first grade hatred of the word explain. Specifically, I hated it when it was in a math word problem. You’d read something like:

Tim has five apples. He gives three to Jason. Then Allen gives Tim two new apples. How many apples does Tim have? Explain.

How do you want me to explain 5-3=2, 2+2=4, answer=4 other than what I just wrote? Don’t you mean “show your work”? Or do you need an essay? A term paper? How many words should I use to explain math that I can do in my fucking head and I’m six years old? It never made any sense to me, and I would bitch and moan to my mom over how to explain this stupidly easy math problem. I never figured it out. It still makes me angry when I think about it. I’m really pissed right now. Someone check my blood pressure.

Please advise irritates me just as much, if not more, than explain. And I’m going to try to ignore the fact that please advise isn’t even a full statement (hello, it’s please advise ME or US or SOMEONE) as I keep ranting. According to the top entry in Urban Dictionary, please advise means “corporate jargon for what the fuck,” and I agree. It’s the most passive aggressive way you can say WTF? in a professional office email. The problem is that please advise has not stayed in the Passive Aggressive Land of Cubicle Bullshit. It’s spread into the rest of the world like a virus that’s actually easy to stop if people would just wash their hands. I was reading an advice column where the letter writer ended their question to the columnist with please advise. Well what the flying fuck do you think she’s going to do? She’s an advice columnist. No wait, let me emphasize that some more: she’s an ADVICE COLUMNIST. All she does is ADVISE. Do you think tacking your passive aggressive bullshit cubicle phrase at the end of your problem is going to make her respond and print your question faster? Do you think she’s sitting there going through letters and saying to herself, “Mmm…nah, that doesn’t sound like too big a problem…no, this isn’t interesting…I don’t really know what I’m doing here…ohmygod. Please advise! They told me to advise! Well shit, I better go answer this one right away, must be a lot more important than these other ones! Thank goodness someone told me what to do!”

There is absolutely no need for please advise when asking a question. “When will the shipment come in? Please advise.” No! No no no no NO! Just ask when the goddamn shipment comes in! That’s good enough! If you’re going to be a royal asshole, your email has to say something like,“We noticed the shipment hasn’t arrived yet and are curious when it went out. Please advise.” Be the asshole that you know you are. Make your anus proud. Be as passive aggressive as possible when you’re using the snottiest phrase to enter corporate jargon in years!

The former individuals (a question followed by disgusting phrase) are those who are either clueless how to use the phrase in Cubicle Land and think using it makes them seem smarter and more important (oh, you poor fools), or they’re the people whose dickhead tendencies are so ingrained in their identities that their assholes do all the talking for them and they’ve got please advise diarrhea so bad that Imodium can’t save them. The latter ones (obnoxious statement followed by phrase) just have anuses for mouths. Or vice versa. Or both. They’re the people who never accept fault for anything. They’re the ones who can’t confront anyone directly about a problem without being rude or snarky. They’re the ones who hide behind some sort of perceived concept of power and use it to make others feel like turds beneath their feet.

Except sometimes we turds rise up.

So, dear phrase users, know this: you suck. We don’t know how to handle your insecurities. We didn’t want to know your penis size, but it’s evident from your emails that your dick is as shriveled and useless as your brain. We would be happy to answer your questions and provide you with assistance if you would just stick your perfectly pedicured feet up your asses for us. It’s evident from our inboxes that your intended messages have not arrived thanks to your pusillanimously vague emails. At this time, we cannot ascertain your pointless needs. If you would pull your heads out of your asses, we would be most appreciative. We are not sure if this is possible.

Please advise.

Humble Egomania

writings by Jessica Turner