I Know What It’s Like to be Dead…

…and let me tell you. It sucks. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I regret every moment of it.

Now, I was not dead in the real sense. All throughout this period I was very much biologically alive. My heart was pumping, and my neurons were firing. I walked and talked and laughed and ate, just like any other live human. I was any other regular person.

Yet, I was not there. My brain was on autopilot, and I drifted everywhere I went. Whenever I was out of my apartment, I wore my headphones and sunglasses so I did not have to interact with anyone I did not want to. I went to class, barely paid attention, and went home. When I got home, I did the bare minimum of homework, drank myself into a haze, then I wasted away the hours on Reddit, Netflix, or video games. I was bored all the time, and life lost its color. I had a hard time even talking to other people because my mind was always someplace else.

Where was my mind? Anywhere except the present. I thought about what video game I was going to play when I got home. I thought about which class I had to go to next, or what my next obligation was. Most of the time I wasn’t even thinking at all. I was dead to the world. I might as well have not existed during that period of time.

One day, I woke up. I looked around my surroundings and realized what I had been doing for the past year: absolutely nothing. I made no achievements. I did absolutely nothing noteworthy, except spend too much of my money on cheap alcohol.

Looking back, I now know that I had been living a life of escapism. I was running away from things that did not completely satisfy me. Ironically enough, I was never able to find something that would make me feel completely happy, simply because I never stopped to enjoy something. So, I stopped to enjoy things. Here is what I have enjoyed in the past few weeks:

I realized that there is music in my surroundings, outside my headphones. It’s free and requires no internet connection.

I realized that my classes offer me a deep pool of knowledge that I hadn’t even bothered to dip my toes in.

I rediscovered the sheer pleasure of a cup of good coffee on an autumn afternoon, and the company of a beautiful woman.

I now welcome unexpected encounters with strangers. They have stories to tell, and I have the time to listen.

I rediscovered the joy of books, of a new story, and an author eager to tell me.

I reacquainted myself with video games, and the fresh, interesting challenges they offer.

I reestablished my relationship with my instrument, and the emotional calm that results from playing an elaborate song.

I’ve found there is so much energy in the world around me, and that I was disconnected from it. All of the time I spent wandering around, head down and hands in pockets, was a pitiful waste. There’s so much good in the world.

I’m glad that I am alive to experience it.