Happy Holidays from the Asshole Family
This week marked ten years of existence for the Facebook News Feed. News Feed — according to Facebook public relations efforts — was a universe-denting stroke of engineering prowess that ushered in a new era of global connectedness.
Alternatively, it was a reverse-sorted query against the “activities” table.
Either way, News Feed gave everyone an undeserved soapbox, and worse still, the even less deserved permission to use it. No other “innovation” has contributed more to the runaway egomania of so many generations. If Helen of Troy was the face that launched a thousand ships, News Feed was the Facebook feature that launched a billion dicks.
So let me be the last to say: happy birthday, News Feed!
(Why the last? Because who better to lead the way than Facebook itself? This is, after all, the company whose employees fete co-workers with public “Happy Faceversary!” wall posts, as if a work anniversary is something to be celebrated (a) publicly or (b) at all. “Faceversary” is also as inelegant and abusive a portmanteau as you’d expect from a company whose product is fueled by human overbearance.)
So, in celebration of the occasion, newsfe — sorry, News Feeds — everywhere were showered with unsolicited commentary from original team members recalling their roles in history:
From Ruchi Sangvhi:
It seems crazy to think that four people who had just graduated/dropped out were able to build a personalized newspaper for over 10 million users — in other words one of the largest, real time, distributed systems ever built. No one told us we could not do it. We did not know how many engineers it would take to solve the problem. We did not know if the problem could be solved. It wasn’t about the number of people. It wasn’t about prior experience or being a genius. It was about not being afraid to learn and thinking about the product and user experience from first principles.
Remind yourself this is the Facebook News Feed being talked about.
Notably, the “…or being a genius” is extremely purposeful. It appears to indicate an iota of humility, but is pure red herring. It instead reinforces the notion that News Feed took the grit and temerity and fearlessness and pure special sauce that these absolute magicians brought to bear.
And lest you think this is an outlier, the posts preceding this congratulatory fusillade include:
- Self-congratulations at having invested in a newly-acquired startup.
- Multiple posts about a tour of and meal at NOMA.
- Multiple posts on the “privilege” of being on a speaking panel.
- A “we’re expecting” post that is not merely those two exact words, but instead is a lengthy, unsolicited account of the conception saga. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing. Sharing the news is, too! Everything else? STFU. May your impending child be healthy — and may she also learn more from her mother than you did from yours.
Hey, how about “Boz”:
More braggadocio in the form of false modesty. (The “soft boastery of faux self-effacement.”) We inexperienced prodigies somehow got it right.
I’m not going to enumerate the myriad other examples of unchecked ego that litter the profile of a man who goes professionally by the name “Boz” — feel free to soak in them yourself.
Finally, third horseman Chris Cox offers his own overwrought testimony to the blessed event:
Happy tenth birthday, News Feed.
I will never forget the look on your face at 12:01 a.m. ten years ago, that moment one million people concurrently refreshed their browsers to the shocking disbelief of seeing you there for the first time. You kept doing your thing, while we snuck out the back to avoid a protest.
You’ve brought a lot of people together, which is pretty cool. Thanks for ten amazing years of working together.
:)
The problems with these posts run much deeper than individual sentences. It’s that they exist at all. These News Feed virtuosos are, acceptably or not, titans of the Valley, wealthier and rewarded beyond all belief and what is deserved. Yet their posts reflect only a hunger for more approbation, more attaboys, more elevation of self. News Feed may be the keystone of our “connected future,” but it’s really just a way for them to get their rocks off.
In what world — prior to the existence of News Feed, of course — would anything remotely close to this level of overt self-congratulation be remotely close to acceptable? Where and when would you ever feel compelled to wax so poetic about your achievements, however inflated?
Here’s where:
- In your kitchen — where you can beg a spouse or mom for the recognition you so deeply desire
- At the Oscars — not exactly the paragon of self-effacement
- The Asshole Family Annual Letter — a malignant excretion of the Christmas card tradition, wherein instead of wishing the recipient well, you bury them in your unsolicited autobiography
And… that’s it. Basically, News Feed is the Assholes’ annual update in excruciating drip mode.
As usual: how could these three posts be improved? Were these three truly humbled by the experience of being part of something so significant, what would they have said?
Anything more would be uncivilized. Faceholes.
(That’s how you do a portmanteau.)
