The Time I Went To Philly’s Best

I only wear Philadelphia sports gear. I grew up there and I bleed all the colors of the teams, which is very unhealthy.

One day when I was living in Chicago, I was wearing this nice shiny Phillies jacket. It is the kind of jacket players wore in the 1980s baseball players wore. Oh yeah, I paid full price for this bad boy. I got off the Belmont red line stop in my jacket and there’s this restaurant: Philly’s Best.

I mean I’m from Philly, I gotta go in. So I do. It’s like a small corner shop in Philly from the 80s was teleported to Chicago. Of course, I starting taking pictures. try to order a cheesesteak, I say “wiz wit”, the traditional way to order cheese wiz on a cheesesteak, and I start geeking out, but the lady just stares blankly at me. Then I try to order “crab fries”, fries in old bay seasoning, a Philadelphia delicacy from Chickie and Pete’s, but the lady doesn’t know the proper terminology. I ended up ordering a regular cheesesteak with “Philly fries” while making a lady’s day worse.

I sit down and I see Philadelphia newscasters’ photos from 10 years ago on the wall I erupt in laughter. Next to the newscasters, there are photos of Philly sports legends, my childhood heroes, so I get up to take pictures. The owner, who is from Philly too, walks by me and he strikes up a conversation with me about Eastern Pennsylvania highways. I am giddy like a small nerd child at ComicCon.

I sit down and I look around and the other five people are just staring at me. The realization then hits me that I look like a huge idiot and a giant homer. These people came to eat a cheap sandwich, high out of their minds, and they see me, a giant man-baby with a Philadelphia Phillies jacket also clearly with another expensive Philadelphia sports jersey underneath, crying over an old photo of a random newscaster having a mustache. They think I’m so jazzed about cheesesteaks I wore my Philadelphia gear to prep for the occasion, the equivalent of wearing a bedazzled lobster bib to Red Lobster. I then close my arms, put my headphones back in and listen to a podcast about the Eagles (football team) while I wait for my mediocre cheesesteak.