The Time That Bastard Liquor Store Clerk Carded My Husband and Not Me
Okay, look, I am not some delicate flower that continuously needs validation or praise from her fellow humans. I’m quite proud of my accomplishments thus far in life. I’ve managed to become the writer I’ve always dreamt of being, and I think I’ve raised two pretty awesome kiddos as well.
So, all in all, my life is going pretty well. There’s just one little, tiny thing. Really, it’s just a hiccup in my almost-perfect life.
And that thing is, I sometimes get a bit self-conscious of the fact that my husband is younger than me.
I know it shouldn’t bother me, because really, what’s in a number? Nevertheless, with him being 31 and me being 35, I’ve started to notice a few things come up in marriage. For example, sometimes, he will throw slang into our conversations, and I am left befuddled as to what he means.
I texted him something hilarious just the other day, and he responded with, “dead.” He’s a train conductor, which is a very dangerous job, so for a second, I was extremely concerned. Then he followed it up with cross-bones and smiley face emoticons, and I realized he was just being young.
He calls me Lind-Bae (a combination of Lindsay and Bae) and says this name in a very ironic way. He’s always on these grotesque Meme pages on Facebook that I couldn’t find funny even if I tried.
It seems the older we get, the more our age difference is coming up in awkward situations. I always thought that would be the opposite situation but hey, who am I to say what happens in life.
This brings me to the greatest injustice of all.
The other day we nipped over to the liquor store to grab a bottle of wine for dinner. He had forgotten his wallet, so I unthinkingly pulled out mine.
“You’re okay with getting it?” He asked because he is ridiculous and feels he always needs to pay for everything.
“Yep, no prob,” I replied.
Then that mother fucker of a cash register attendant looked both my husband and me up and down, then stared deep into my soul before turning his head to James and saying, “I’m going to have to see some ID please.”
Full stop. Dead silence.
James awkwardly looked at me because he damn well knew what I was thinking. Sure, I wasn’t wearing any makeup, and I also had on a pretty ratty knitted sweater but still! I thought that it was common knowledge that if you’re going to ID the one person in a couple-like situation, you ID both people just out of consideration.
Even if that lady is an old bag of bones that may well have competed in the very first Miss America competition (because even for an old broad, she’s still pretty hot), you must card her!
Do you even understand the kind of mental anguish that comes over a person when they have to watch their spouse getting carded, and then someone just looks by you like you’re a tired old newspaper that’s been read a hundred times over?
We walked out of the liquor store, and I tried to play it cool. I was not cool, however, because as soon as we left that store, I let loose on my much younger-looking husband.
“What the hell, man!” I croaked. Was I going to have to resort to wearing my hair in piggy-tails again just like I did after having been mistaken for my children's grandmother back in 2019?
“I know, I know,” James responded, trying to keep me calm, “That guy was a total douche canoe. I think he was just trying to get back at us for the last time we were there, and he couldn’t tell us about the Malbec we were looking for — so we ruthlessly made fun of him.”
Ah yes, the Malbec incident. I had completely forgotten about that.
And I thought to myself, as I walked hand in hand with the love of my life, well at least my astounding young stud of a man knows the score.