When Did Planet Earth Slip Into An Alternate Universe & Why Did It Take Me So Long To Notice?

By David Grace (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)

I saw this news story and I had to wonder if I was dreaming. Had I slipped into an alternate reality where up was down and left was right? Was this article actually the transcript of the pitch for a Twilight Zone episode that never made it onto the network schedule?

“MC [Molson Coors] has partnered with Canadian-based MJ producer The Hydropothecary Corporation to make booze-free, cannabis-infused beverages as soon as recreational weed is legalized in Canada this October.”

Wait. What?

Coors is going to sell millions of bottles of alcohol-free, marijuana-laced beer?

Marijuana infused beer.

Coors.

I should have seen this coming.

I should have realized when Mr. Crazy won the election that the world as I had known it had slipped through a crack in time and into an alternate dimension where everyone looked the same but actually had been replaced by an amalgamation of pod-people and life-like robots with cameras for eyeballs and plastic-covered wires beneath their ersatz skin.

The discovery of this sort of substitution is usually precipitated by some minor event — your perfect wife trips over the dog and bangs her arm against the edge of the stove, but when you rush to look at the wound, instead of blood all you see is a flap of life-like plastic peeling away from wires and blinking lights.

You look at her in shock, but she just smiles and says, “Ooops” then Scotch-tapes her “skin” back in place and asks if you want bacon or sausage with your scrambled eggs.

And that’s when you realize that it’s all gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Well, we all had that revelatory moment on election night, but we skipped over it like when you pretend you didn’t hear Uncle Charlie’s racist outburst as you’re passing him the mashed potatoes at Christmas dinner. Time sort of goes blank and a minute later you’ve managed to drive the echos of the “N” word out of your mind as if it had never slipped past Charlie’s Walmart dentures.

But as the days go by Uncle Charlie babbles his nonsense more and more until you can’t ignore it any longer, and you finally have to face the fact that he’s either experiencing an accelerating slide into senility or the manager has been pumping old Rush Limbaugh tapes into the senior center’s Muzak network for ten hours every day.

Now I can no longer escape the realization that the real world, the one that I grew up in where priests were men of God and you could trust the police and army generals were all brave guys dedicated to protecting America from Invaders From Mars and radioactive, mutated giant ants, is irretrievably gone.

I’m not exactly sure when planet Earth slipped through the rip in time and entered this warped and evil universe where priests are sex criminals, trigger-happy cops weekly shoot down ordinary citizens, the President of the United States is a compulsive moron and pathological liar, and huge, multi-national corporations sell pot-laced, non-alcoholic beer to go with double-double orders of gluten-free, deep-fried, tofu burritos.

My guess is that it happened on November 21, 1963. I’m feeling like that’s about when we all got shunted off the main line and side-tracked onto the detour to Crazy Land.

In retrospect, my only question is: Why did it take me so long to notice that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore?

— David Grace (www.DavidGraceAuthor.com)

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David Grace

David Grace

Graduate of Stanford University & U.C. Berkeley Law School. Author of 16 novels and over 400 Medium columns on Economics, Politics, Law, Humor & Satire.