10 Fun Facts about Christmas

  1. If you accidentally kill Santa Claus, you do not become the new Santa. That’s nothing but a silly Hollywood myth. What happens is simple science: the demon trapped in Santa’s body escapes and plays a game of chess with you on a fleshy, pulsating board. If you win, you get your entire Christmas list! If you lose, the demon ignites a world war.
  2. The famous “War on Christmas” is also known as World Wars I and II. Almost as talked-about as Christmas is the War on Christmas. Turn on any cable news channel and you’ll see what I mean. But did you know that some historians call this continent-spanning military nightmare “World War I” and/or “World War II?” It’s true! It’s difficult to understand why, since the conflicts famously started on Christmas 1914 when the demon inside Santa’s body defeated Serbian farmer Branislav Milosevic at chess.
  3. If you accidentally kill the Easter Bunny, you do become the new Santa Claus. Do not ask why this is the case. The Easter Bunny wields dark magicks that are not for us to know. The tremendous demon will slither into your body, you will don the red coat, and your curse begins.
  4. The demon inside Santa’s body favors the Budapest Gambit. There’s no denying that the demon is skilled at chess, but he’s no grandmaster if you get my meaning. Expect the Budapest Gambit and counter it in the usual way. Do not be intimidated if the game pieces nip at your fingers. His game is middling and with a focused mind you will achieve checkmate with ease.
  5. Intentionally killing Santa Claus does not release the demon. Instead, the Easter Bunny reclaims the demon and places it into a wax simulacrum of Santa and breathes life inside it. Santa will most likely weep bitterly as he realizes that even death will not allow him to escape his curse. Also, you will probably be arrested for murder.
  6. No one knows why the Easter Bunny and the demon inside Santa’s body both wear heavy iron shackles. Do they have a master? Do they seek their freedom? Where did they come from? All of these are fun topics to discuss around the fire with family, friends, and a warm mug of spiced cider.
  7. Do not speak the Easter Bunny’s true name. I fear that to add more detail is to put myself at risk. Know this: he hears all. And he does not forgive.
  8. The secret to mulled wine? Start with a syrup! Your first step when mulling wine is to make a thick syrup of wine, sugar, and fresh vanilla beans. Heat the mixture, reducing the wine until it becomes rich and viscous. Then, add the rest of the wine and the spices. Super-charging the initial infusion of wine with flavor will make your mulled wine a hit. Be sure to keep the vanilla bean pod even after you’ve scraped out the seeds inside! No point letting all that flavor go to waste.
  9. The first Christmas was in 1997. It’s long before you or I were born, but the first Christmas was still much more recent that people think! It was only 1997 when this now-classic holiday was first celebrated.
  10. The last Christmas was in 2034. It’s long before you or I were born, but the vaunted winter festival “Christmas” saw its last incarnation back in 2034. We all remember our grandparents telling us the story of how the demon inside Santa’s body finally broke its shackles and flew into the sun, ending Christmas forever. There have been attempts at reviving the holiday since, but it’ll never be as good as the real thing.
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