24 Millennial Op-Ed Pitches That Will Make Me The Cultural Critic of Our Time, I Imagine

· Why Are Millennials Having Less Sex With Madame LeFlesh, The World’s Most Expensive Courtesan?

· Why Aren’t Millennials Buying More Solid Gold Statues Of God To Throw Into Volcanoes?

· Why Aren’t More Millennials Becoming Gentleman Art Thieves Whose Skill With An Épée Is Exceeded Only By Their Facility With Women?

· MILLENNIAL PC CULTURE RUN AMOK: I Offered To Let My Daughter’s Friend Cut Off My Rival’s Horse’s Head And She Said No Thanks

· Why Aren’t Millennials Joining My Exclusive Club Where We All Wear Masks And Meet In A Red Velvet Room And Eat Pandas And Shit?

· Why Are So Many Millennials Choosing To Live In Tiny Hovels With Eight Other People?

· SOCIAL-MEDIA OBSESSED Millennials Are Killing Print Media By Not Founding Newspapers With Million-Dollar Grants From Their Deranged Fathers

· The REAL Reason Millennials Aren’t Buying Children To Keep In A Basement Room Like From “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas”: Laziness

· Why Aren’t More Millennials Going To The Opera And Saying “You All Work For Me Now, And Tonight You’re Performing This Opera I Wrote”

· To Attract Media-Savvy Millennials, The Yacht Chandelier Industry Needs To Embrace Memes

· Why Are More Millennials Waiting To Give Birth To Baby Elephants They Surgically Implanted Into Their Uteruses In Order To Spite God?

· THE “ME” GENERATION: None Of The Millennials At This Coffee Shop Will Help Me Confound My Blackmailing Rival

· More And More Millennials Are Being Open And Honest With Their Mental Health Instead Of Starting Railroad Companies

· Why Aren’t More Millennials Buying Homes To Burn Down Just To See What It Would Be Like?

· MILLENNIAL HYPOCRISY: If They’re So Inclusive Of Other Races, Why Aren’t They Hiring More Mexicans To Do Their Lawns?

· Why Do Narcissistic Millennials Waste Their Time With Selfies And Snapchats Instead Of Calling The Pinkertons To Have Union Leaders Killed?

· If Millennials Are So “Woke,” How Come No One Spoke Out When My Rival Stole A Jewel From My Parlor

· Millennials Will Never Be Well-Rounded People Without Traveling To The Opium-Palaces Of The Dusky Orient

· If Millennials Turn Away From Whale Oil, How Will They Experience The Heady Rush That Comes With Murdering A Beautiful Leviathan For A Vulgar Bucketful Of Goo?

· THE WIMP GENERATION: Millennials Are Slaying Fewer Lumbering Monstrosities That Ghoulishly Patrol Giant Labyrinths Than Any Generation Before

· Why Do Instagram-Obsessed Millennials Build Online Shrines To The Self Instead Of Just Opening A Museum Named After Them?

· Millennials Waiting To Have Children Are Killing The Au Pair Industry And When That Happens How Will My Mistress Pay Her Rent

· Millennials Have No Common Sense: A Bunch Of Them Are Friends With Angelo Fairfax (My Rival) Instead Of Me

· A Lack Of New Millennial Enthusiasts Is Killing The Weird Sport I Play Where You Have To Buy A Set Of Nineteen Specialized Whips