My Rejected Pitches for Event Comics
Dysphoria Wars
After regaining control of his body from Dr. Octopus and reverting to human form after harnessing the infinite power of the universe, Spider-Man faces his greatest foe yet: the harrowing feeling of being trapped in a body that isn’t his! Thrill as he vomits at the thought of what “he” is — is he this body, this quivering oozy meat? Where does his mind end and his body begin? Is this vulgar flesh, ever decaying, ever pooping, all he ever was? Is he the mind that flits through forms cosmic? Or is this fleshy prison the only thing that he will ever be able to truly claim as his own? When his “powers,” the thing that defines him, is so mutable and fluid, changing seemingly month-to-month, in what sense can they truly be considered a part of him?The Dysphoria Wars will reveal all this…and more!
Extremely Secret Wars
The Marvel Universe has never seen a threat like this, and neither will you! All text and 90% of illustrations in this groundbreaking event are classified and will be redacted before public release.
Crisis of Infinite Exposition
It all leads up to this moment! Join Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and all your favorites for 200 pages of jaw-dropping exposition! Conversations like you’ve never imagined! Concepts explained like never before! Monologues of dizzying length! HOW MANY REVELATIONS CAN ONE MIND BE TOLD? This daring crisis pushes the limits of storytelling itself!
The Two-Fisted Foofaraw
Thanos gets another Infinity Gauntlet! Remember when he had one? You liked that! This is like that time, except this time he has two.
Wait-Until-We-Tell-You-About-These-Beams Spectacular
You’ve seen hordes of dudes in the featureless void of space shooting beams at each other, but you’ve never seen beams that we describe like this! You think you’ve seen powerful beams? Our text panels will describe these beams as being vastly stronger. Those old beams are garbage. Old beams are trash that would get their fucking jaw ground to powder by these new beams. What were those old beams, cosmic energy or some shit? These are like, tetramatter-time energy from Earth-π, the Enigma Universe. Cosmic energy is pitiful and belongs in the sludge.
You Do Realize We’re Just Going To Keep Doing This Until It Stops Selling Crisis
We make a lot of noise about irrevocable change, but come on, you’re not going to fall for it, right? Are you all that gullible? Jesus, I don’t want that to be true. I don’t want to accept that. Come on, guys! Apply some critical thinking! Familiarity sells, any promise of change is a ruse! We’re going to keep doing this until we’ve wrung the last cent out of your withered souls! Help me, I’m begging you, you’ve got to catch on, I can’t go on doing this year after year!
We Ignore That Being In Space Fighting a Monster For Like A Year Kind Of Makes The “Secret Identity” Concept Not Work
After being trapped on the vicious war-planet of the mad god Darkseid, the Justice League returns victorious to Earth, where apparently no one noticed that Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, Oliver Queen, and whoever the Flash is just up and disappeared for like, two years. “What’ve you been up to, Bruce,” someone’ll say, and Bruce will be like “had to get away to Gstaad to hit the slopes for entirely two whole years,” and everyone will be like “yeah, that sounds fine.”
The One With Elongated Man, I Guess
So we hired some edgy writer for the critics and he’s really on stuck on making — I’m not kidding — Elongated Man the crux of our event this year for some fucking reason. He’s this dude from the 50s or something, and I guess he can stretch. Doesn’t Mr. Fantastic do that? This character is just him but with three fewer fantastic guys. He got his powers from drinking a magic can of cola — am I reading this right? This can’t be right. God, you people buy this stuff?
Absolute Maximum Ultra/Mega Classified Secret Wars
I’d tell you about these Secret Wars, but then I’d have to kill you! Ha ha! This is not a joke. The author and artist have already been executed. I am crushing my cyanide tooth as we speak. No copies will be printed.
Normal Crisis
Doctor Doom unleashes an admirably well-thought-out scheme with not-insignificant implications! In order to stop Doom from doing more or less his usual day-to-day stuff, the forces of justice assemble what could generously be considered an “all-star” team. Your favorite heroes behave pretty much as you’d expect and, after a few initial hiccups, prevail. It’s hard work and there’s minor collateral damage, but overall a good day at the office.
Taxpoint: The Audit War
When Batman mistakenly assumed the Batcave qualified as a home office, what began as a clever way to save millions on his income taxes threatens to bring down everything Bruce Wayne cares about. Batman’s years of crimefighting never prepared him for a crisis like this! Can he parse the tax code in time? What’s the deal with capital gains? Why do they keep asking him if he has any income from selling farmland? And why didn’t he save the receipts?
