The New Year’s Resolutions Deemed Too Edgy For My Company Newsletter — Again, By An ALL-WHITE Jury!

As the sun crests over the silent horizon, bathing the gasping sinners in its purifying light, so does the new year 2015 wash over us like a groovy wave we can do little but accept as it sluices our collective face. To help us move forward as a company, here are a few new year’s resolutions I’d like to propose to enrich and improve ourselves both as professionals and as people.

• No more messy lunches at the office. We must be mindful of our peers, and no one wants to see you wetly gnashing at your food with your razor-sharp teeth.
• Find time every day to write comforting letters to celebrities you imagine are most unsure of themselves. You know Michael Madsen has one more great performance rattlin’ around in there, even if he doesn’t.
• Stop making excuses and get organized! Even something as simple as a couple of file cabinets will work wonders, and for cheap, too. An orderly home or workspace is the key to efficiency and happiness.
• Replace the cubicle dividers we’ve chewed to bits to prove whose teeth are sharpest. This is really just common courtesy.
• Stop spending so much time obsessively sharpening our teeth. It was fun back when we all started, but now the novelty has worn off.
• Treat our clients the way we treat our teeth: as our prides, that which outshines all stars in the sky and makes diamonds look like dumpster rocks, that which demands devotion and attention, that which can grasp perfection if only we can make them sharp enough to pierce the sky itself.
• Pierce the sky itself with our teeth, fearsome as sabers! To sharpen them further is to dither like cowards. Now is the hour to fulfill the duty we were tasked with back when that strange light shone into the office, compelling us all to begin sharpening our teeth. Preparation is over, we must strike out towards victory!
• No longer let ourselves be seized by foolish tooth-frenzies. I thought that the light’s devilish influence had passed, yet still it clings to the dark corners of my mind. I can’t let it take control. Vigilance. Vigilance.
• Finally sit down and really learn how to play guitar.
• Find a dentist who can reverse what we’ve done to our teeth. Dear god, why have we done this? We’ve made our mouths into gruesome houses of blades! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!

Do you have any resolutions you’re planning for the new year? Feel free to share!

UPDATE: Turns out THE MAN, this ALL-WHITE JURY that TAMPS DOWN MY GROOVY TRUTH, eventually did publish this in my company newsletter. I don’t regret what I said.