Wacky Holi-DAZE Episode 3: More Herbs, Less Salt Day

Yet more of the truly unhinged garbage I put in my company newsletter!

Leave it to those holiday-making tyrants to try to dictate how to live our lives. I got news for you, Mr. Holiday-Making Tyrant! Though you may love terror and hate freedom, I am an American and will not be cowed by your dumb demands.

Of course, I’m talking about that most sanctimonious of holidays, August 29th’s “More Herbs, Less Salt Day.”

Hey buddy, I ain’t about to let your fool holiday tell me what nightmares to shove down my food-hole. I do the loudest praise-howls for that crazy food rock, salt: I scream terrifying, incoherent thank-yous at the sky every time I slurp down a salty brew.

What good has an herb ever done us? You know rosemary? That’s an herb you like, yeah? Well, do you know what happened when rosemary had a baby? Huh? Did you know that the baby was THE DEVIL? You may have heard of this story of rosemary’s baby in a famous documentary film. You may have heard of it, it’s pretty well known: it is called ROAD HOUSE.

All Americans get the true fury in their souls when some holiday-maker tries to tell them to lay off the sodium frenzies that get them through the long afternoons. A treason-fellow may speak a true treason and say that eating less salt is an easy way to have a healthier diet, especially when herbs do a great job seasoning food on their own. Sure, this might be “correct” and “good advice,” but it is abjectly un-American and I will not stand for it.

Don’t let a holiday tell you how to live your life! Do not trust herbs — remember the important lessons told to you in world-famous documentary film ROAD HOUSE: all herbs have babies that are the devil. Whoa! What spooky news: what else will it take to convince you? How can you remain unmoved?