12 Times I’ve Forgotten the Alamo, Like, Today

When they said “Remember the Alamo,” they forgot that I am literally the worst.

In high school, my AP U.S. History teacher told me I had a “garbage brain.” At the time, I took it personally, but today I realized he was right, for I forgot the only historical event ever written in the imperative tense (“Remember the Alamo!”). The battle escaped my memory not once but twelve times today alone, in increasingly Alamo-y situations. I’m planning to record a VHS of myself saying “Alamo” to watch every morning, 50 First Dates style. But first, here’s a summary of my sins.

1. Breakfast— going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs is no excuse to go absent-minded for Alamo.
2. Choosing my drag name — I could have easily been Berenda the Ala-hoe. Instead, I’m Provol-Joan, the cheesiest diva in the tri-state area.
3. Watching Camp Rock, even though the food fight is literally based on the Alamo. As Alison Stoner and Davy Crockett both famously said, “I’m so sorry! Actually, I’m so not.”
4. Trader Joe’s — but I can remember “Speculoos,” which isn’t even a real turning point in the Texas Revolution?! Trash.
5. Receiving some alimony— “Um, hello?!” cried the Alamo from the confines of the word.
6. Sporcle “A-Letter Revolutionary Battles” quiz — and yet during “Three Letter Body Parts,” the Alamo was all I could think of!
7. In the phonebooth from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure— “Spring of 1836…” Ted said. “Anything happen then?” “Nah, dude!” I cackled. “It was a most ordinary season.” Heinous.
8. Driving to San Antonio in an Alamo™ rental car— Must be their word for ‘llama,’ I thought.
9. Legally eating at a full-capacity BBQ without a mask — “You know,” I spat at my 10 friends, “this Texan spirit of rebellion comes from historical events such as… um…” Then I gave up and French kissed some strangers.
10. Interviewing the great-grandson of an Alamo victim for a research project— “That’s such a beautiful memory,” I sniffled. “And wait, how did he die again?” James Bowie IV gave me a dubious look. “Um, the…” “Hindenberg!” I finished. “Duh!!”
11. Mexican military siege— I found myself in a Catholic missionary, praying to the God I believe in, when there was a knock on the door. “It’s Mexico!” they said. “We’re sieging again!” I turned to my fellow Texicano and said, “Smithy, this is just like—” And I blanked. Fucking classic.
12. Dreaming about the Battle of Gettysburg— “Really, girl?!?” ~ the Alamo.