Snow White’s Evil Queen Speaks on Mirror Home Fitness System

Dear Ms. Lulu Lemon (if that is your real name),

On the last full moon, I purchased your MIRROR from an Amazon promotional deal while on a late-night internet k-hole(…don’t ask). The intention was to upgrade to a more tech-savvy version of my handheld magic mirror. Unfortunately, your product has failed to meet my needs.

To start, no one in this MIRROR will tell me if I am the fairest of them all. As the various instructors in the looking glass command me to push and gyrate at a quicker pace in my afternoon Pilates-jazz fusion class, I begin to suspect I am no longer the fairest, let alone the fittest, in the land. This was a hard pill to swallow, but unfortunately, it’s not even why I am writing you today...

I’ve tried speaking with the various sinewy peasants who appear in the MIRROR, but none of them reply unless I inquire about how many reps we’ve completed. When I ask to see the whereabouts of the princess, or her heart, which had better be in my huntsman’s goddamn satchel this time, no one seems to know what I’m talking about.

To resolve the problem, I demand answers. Was that woodland-creature-bedecked woman in my livestream yoga boxing flow class the same Snow White I gave my huntsman specific instructions to kill and dump in the forest? You know, the one with skin as fair as snow? Hair as dark as coal?? LIPS AS RED AS BLOOD?!

…How would one summon her image again? How might anyone, not necessarily me, locate her in the natural world? You know, to simply offer her a bite of apple — promoting healthy eating, of course. You do care about healthy eating in your pursuit of fitness dominance over the land, I assume?

Also, would it kill you to include a portable handheld version? Sometimes I have business in other castles that require a consultation with my MIRROR, and it’s truly just too clunky to lug.

I look forward to your reply. Please contact me at the above address, by way of my magic mirror, or by scrying with a bowl of water seasoned with a single drop of blood from the last person who wronged you.

Sincerely,

The Evil Queen