Rejectress Submission: Leslie McMann
“Unfortunately f̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶, we’re not going to move forward with your application at this time.”
- “I just can’t feel anything while astral projecting with a condom!” My Life Dating a Warlock (Love/Sex)
A woman recounts how the challenges of her past toxic relationship with dark wizard Zebulon the Enchanter made her into the strong, independent woman she is today. “I really wanted to be a ‘cool girl,’ so I acted like I wasn’t bothered by his coven of 13 single witches, or the orgasmic rites they performed every full moon in service to the Dark Lord.” “One day he just up and left our apartment, said he was going on a spirit quest to another plane of existence. I tried talking to him through the Ouija board, but he just kept texting back, ‘NEW PHONE, WHO THIS?’”
2. Dear Mom: Adam Driver is Not Too Tall for Me! (WOMANSPIRATION)
An open letter to my mother, who thinks my crush on Adam Driver is unrealistic because he is 1.5 feet taller than me. “As a child, you discouraged me from climbing trees, and that continues today, when you discourage me from climbing this tree, this centuries old oak of a man!” “The more society continues to tell people they have to be with someone proportional to their own height, the less likely Adam is to leave his wife and child for my five foot two inch ass!”
3. Why Donate to Charity When You Can Venmo a Trivial Amount of Money to Your Black Co-Worker? (Thoughts)
Venmoing a small sum to the nearest BIPOC instead of donating to a legitimate charitable fund results in an instantaneous feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment on the part of the donor. “When I hear that ‘ding’ as the payment hits Jamal’s account, it may as well be the trumpets of the angels heralding my entrance to Heaven! The shine in his eyes as he sees it, the $18.65, laden with symbolic meaning, warms my heart over with pride — pride in my good deeds!”
4. White People Who Did “Blackout Tuesday” Win Top Prize at the 2020 Ally Awards (Entertainment)
Coverage of an Oscars-style award ceremony, “the Allies,” celebrating the achievements of performative white allies. “And the award for best supporting performance by a white woman goes to: _____” “The race is tight between popular ally Meghan Smith for her understated use of a single black square on Instagram and newcomer Elizabeth Johnson-McGill for her powerful protest sign “Don’t shoot black people!” “She tearfully accepted the award, saying, ‘I’m just so grateful to be recognized for my achievements in empowering the Black community!’”
5. K-Pop Stans win 2020 Nobel Peace Prize (News)
The best example of political resistance today is coming from teens who love pretty boys and hate ugly racists! “The senior judge, Oleg Gustaffson, began to cry as he announced the winners, declaring the teens, ‘humanity’s best hope in the fight against fascism.’” “Asked how the movement started, notable stan Kimberly Guy told us: ‘I organized a similar demonstration two years ago when Marissa Barofsky said her bar mitzvah DJ wasn’t going to play any BTS. I thought to myself, if this fake RSVP thing could make a 13-year-old girl cry on the most important day of her young life, imagine the kind of damage it could do to Donald Trump!”
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