Rejectress Submission: Alyssa Briddes
- “Was it something I did?!” Woman cries after “Friends” leaves Netflix.
A first-person tale of a woman donning Mourning Blacks for five-and-twenty days, before moving on to the Ben and Jerry’s phase of grief after the F-word leaves her beloved streaming platform for a packet of cigarillos, and ne’er returns.
2. Woman Breaks Pinkie Promise, Friend To Break Pinkie At Sundown To Atone For Her Crime
Jennifer, age 24, broke her pinkie promise to ex-friend Mia after 35 years of keeping it. The alleged secret had something to do with “Jake from gym class,” and his being “hotter than the guys on Zaboomafu.” Mia says “It doesn’t matter that Jake’s married now with four kids, she pinkie swore, and she’s going to pay. At dusk.”
3. Woman on SpaceX Mission Selflessly Gives Up Spot So One More Man Can Be Sent Away To Mars
Sarah Jenkins, when asked about her heroic venture, just shrugged and said “If my sacrifice means one less man asking a woman to smile more, then so be it,” at least in space no one can hear you mansplain what an inclusion rider is.
4. Woman Freezes to Death After Spending The Night Under Boyfriend’s Threadbare Sheet He Calls “Warm Enough”
“I don’t really see how she got cold,” Lance, her coldblooded one-sheet using boyfriend proclaimed. “I keep the apartment at a balmy 58 degrees,” he stated, perfectly content with the blue jersey sheet he bought from the Target dorm section ten years ago.
5. 15 Chandeliers Perfect For Dropping On Your Ex At His Engagement Party
A Slide show of absurd chandeliers, including a drop crystal monstrosity: with the flair of a “nice guy” opera house ghost, this chandelier’s use of candles creates an equal part dramatic and flammable message when dropped on Kimberly, the woman who was supposed to be the rebound, the REBOUND.
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