Rejectress Submission: Andrea Romano
Much like all you other wannabe Reductress writers, I was rejected! Here are some faves from my submission.
- QUIZ: Is The Pandemic Over Or Does Everyone Need To See Your New Lipstick, Like, Now?
A quiz to assess if you’re safe to go out with no mask during this pandemic, or if you’re actually just motivated to do so because you have a banging new lipstick:
Bitch, what shade do you have on right now?
A. Vampire Red
B. Endless Orgasm Coral
C. Existential Fear of Worldwide Recession Pink
- Petition to Replace Confederate Statues with Another Historic Loser: My Ex-Boyfriend, Dave
A petition to erect a statue to my ex-boyfriend, Dave, since former Confederate states are so obsessed with history’s greatest losers:
You know who represents a dark time in my own history? Dave. And since you’re all so adamant about celebrating famous wartime losers like Lee, you can feel good that Dave, who is now a 35-year-old man who still plays frisbee golf, is just as loserific, but he never tried to actually enslave anyone.
- How To Talk To Your Kids About Your Emo Phase
A listicle for the Millennials who have kids and tweens already, and they demand answers when it comes to your high school emo phase:
‘When In Doubt, Keep Saying, ‘It Was 2002!’
Take a hint from your own parents when you stumbled upon their honeymoon pictures from 1982 and they said, ‘Hey! I was the 80’s! Everyone had crispy bangs and a mild coke habit!’ When your child or tween tells you that your temporary-dyed black hair with a green streak was a pointless form of rebellion, just go ahead and shrug and loudly exclaim, “It was 2002! Trust me, grandma HATED it!”
- Woman Can Only Cum If Joe Biden Keeps Quiet Till Election
The story of a woman who just wants to get off, but she keeps thinking about Joe Biden’s increasingly stupid sound bytes:
Maribel settled into bed, firing up the vibe like her life depended on it and tried to relax, but the day’s headlines kept running through her mind, the echo of Joe Biden talking about ‘Corn Pop’ and saying things like, “If you vote for Trump, you ain’t black.”
‘God dammit! Just shut up until November!’ Maribel shouted. She was as dry as the dead basil plant she bought when this whole lockdown began.
- REPORT: Dog Now Also Sick Of Your Bullshit
Scientists have confirmed that all dogs are now really sick of looking at us during the ongoing lockdown”
“What’s interesting is that dogs are always happy to see us when we get home, but when we are always home, what cause is there to be happy?” said animal psychologist Mindy Battone.
“My Pickle was so excited when I started working from home, but last time I threw a ball, the bitch literally rolled her eyes at me. I didn’t know they could do that.”
Vote for Andrea Romano’s headlines by clicking ‘like’ on Humor Darling’s post with Andrea’s name!
