Rejectress Submission: Evelyn Frick
- 5 super tasty boots you can lick while defending large corporations (Style)
A listicle recommending which boots will take capitalist piggies to Flavortown.
“Corporate toadies have it rough. Defending wealthy companies to loved ones is hard, and that leathery taste from slurping bootheels makes it worse! But never fear! Though there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism, there is delicious consumption under bootlicking!”
2. I’ve been feeling extra naughty lately and that’s why I’m going to expose my personal information online. (Thoughts)
An account of how I forewent traditional BDSM and had my data breached instead.
“Mr. Hacker, I’ve been so irresponsible with my online security and I deserve to be punished. Please bust through my firewall with your malware. Have your way with my passwords and my cookies.”
3. Wait — is the Hamburger Helper a beefy daddy? (Thoughts)
An analysis of how everyone’s favorite packaged foot mascot is sexier than originally thought.
“Yesterday he was just a glove, but now he’s a guy who takes control of your meat. And that’s giving me confusing feelings. I think I want the Hamburger Helper to make me his hearty, home-cooked meal.”
4. Turns out Women’s Soccer World Cup trophy is just one big menstrual cup (News)
A report on how an international symbol of great female athleticism is actually a huge blood chalice.
“One of the newest changes to the Women’s World Cup is the replacement of the trophy with one big ol’ Diva Cup. FIFA President Gianni Infantino explained, ‘We just wanted to remind these world-class athletes, that above all, they’re baby-makers.’”
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