Rejectress Submission: Lex Von
- I Lived It: My Naturopath Has Papyrus-Font Branding
(Womanspiration)
Our writer recounts finding the wherewithal to typographically heal after unknowingly putting her health in the hands of someone who brands their business with Papyrus Font lettering. “I missed countless red flags: Celtic music, Stevie Nicks calendars, essential-oil diffusers … What matters most now is that I’m with a licensed Helvetica practitioner.”
2. Amazing: This Third-World Village Helped 9 White Women Feel Less Bad About Being Privileged AF
(News)
A touching report on Namibian villagers who relieved nine well-off Caucasian women of their white privilege guilt forever. “It took two weeks of disrupting our survival-dependent harvest season, but we managed to teach them water-fetching, fire-lighting, and basic sayings they can use to prove that they’re not racist for the rest of their lives.”
3. Lifehacks: How One In-Debt Woman’s Abundance Mindset Manifested Much, Much Deeper Debt
(Womanspiration)
How one in-debt woman used an abundance mindset as a lifehack to magically manifest much, much, much deeper debt. “I thought I couldn’t afford my life coach’s Divine Empath Retreat, but then she reminded me I was just stuck in my lack mentality — fast-forward two weeks and I’m $11,000 more in debt.” Amazing!
4. Wow! This Woman with Incurable Gonorrhea Had The Most Incredible Clapback
(Print Edition)
Martin thought he was pulling a fast one on Gina, the girlfriend he was cheating on, when he gave her herpes last month. But that’s nothing compared to the revenge affair-acquired incurable gonorrhea she gave him today — nice clapback, Gina!
5. American Girl’s New Virtue-Signaling Valerie Doll Voices Political Outrage Exclusively On Twitter
(Entertainment)
American Girl has released its 2020 Girl of the Year, Virtue-Signaling Valerie. “The way Valerie finger-snaps and cancels on Twitter, you’d think this supposedly woke white girl is the next incarnation of Gloria Steinem, but this voting virgin’s got no intention of ever joining a march, challenging anyone in person, or casting a ballot for any candidate who could even slightly taint the purity of her ideological sainthood.”
Vote for Lex Von’s headlines by clicking ‘like’ on Humor Darling’s post with Lex’s name!
