Transportation Secretary Buttigieg to Replace All Roads With Coast-to-Coast Slip ‘N Slide

To fix America’s crumbling highway system, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg just announced that his department will replace all of the country’s roads with a giant Slip ‘N Slide stretching across the nation.

“This streamlined technology will get you where you want to go without having to tap the concrete to see if it falls away like a cliff-edge in a movie. For too long, Americans have traveled afraid, or at least that’s what I hear,” the Secretary said over his shoulder while riding an electric scooter through Washington, DC.

The former Mayor of South Bend, Indiana, now fondly known as the “Secretary of Nerd Stuff,” revealed that the biggest surprise of the renovation wasn’t logistics but the immediate support it received from Congress.

In a rare moment of bipartisanship, the Senate unanimously voted to pass a bill to provide funding for construction. Progressives threw their support behind the project because of its low environmental impact, while Republicans couldn’t resist the opportunity to go outside and say “weeeeeee.”

“Sliding around in shallow water is actually my preferred method of travel,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell. He then receded into his shell and propelled himself away. Across the aisle, Georgia Senator Jon Ossoff was also enthusiastic about the bill. “This is the perfect opportunity to deliver on my platform of taking my shirt off,” he said.

Secretary Buttigieg said the Slip ‘N Slide will be unfurled by hand like a giant roll of Hubba Bubba beginning January of next year, with estimated completion slated for 3022.