Cape Cod Syndrome Discovered In NYC

New York, NY — As thousands of white people left Roseland Ballroom amped up after the first Vampire Weekend concert in their hometown in nearly two and a half years, investigators and researchers are baffled by a new psychological syndrome that first manifested itself during the show on Sunday, April 28th.

Experts are comparing it to Stockholm Syndrome, where hostages sympathize, and even become enamored with, their captors. But this is a whiter, more indie version, and it is being referred to as Cape Cod Syndrome.

The cause for concern is that the band (captors) seemingly put paying concertgoers (captives) through a dizzying array of psychological tests and experiments during the course of the evening. And not only did the attendees cheer on the group of men with unwavering support during these tests, some reports say that both genders alike were incessantly vying for attention, with screams of “Ezra! I love you!” apparently in regards to handsome frontman Ezra Koenig.

The band — who self-identify as work-hating mythical beings — alternated tried and true psychological techniques with new, experimental, never-before-seen or heard ones, most notably one about a woman named Diane Young, a woman with apparent ties to the cursed Kennedy family. They apparently even droned on about the importance of proper grammar — particularly not using oxford commas — which whipped the crowd into a literary frenzy.

The nearly 1,500 subjects willingly sat through extra-sensory experiments, lyrics about horchata, a popular Mexican rice-based drink, and the quartet proclaiming their love for famous white person vacation destination Cape Cod (hence the name of the syndrome). One experiment mentioned spilling “kefir on your keffiyah” — which concerned officials so much that they have brought in terrorism experts.

Interestingly, in a unique twist common to this always-connected era of the Internet and social media, thousands of people from across the world watched the whole psychological situation unfold on their computer screens — and even sent the band messages of support while they were administering the tests on the helpless subjects.

In a question with so many unknowns, one thing officials do know is that serial white person Steve Buscemi directed the whole concept and accompanying global broadcast. At one point, he even taunted the victims from onstage and crowdsourced requests for what the captors should do to them next. Buscemi has not been cooperative with researchers’ questions.

Near the end of the experiment — after a full hour of tests — the band even pretended to leave the building, appearing to set the crowd free to roam the New York City streets. But, in another shudder-inducing aspect of this newly-christened Cape Cod Syndrome, the captives were unwilling to leave until the captors came out again and tried more experiments on them, shouting “More! More! More!” in unison.

Chilling.

Websites report that the band will soon be releasing a new album and starting an international tour — which we can only assume will simulate these same psychological experiments on unwitting white people.

Blake Henderson very much enjoyed the Vampire Weekend show and is looking forward to their new album.