Introducing: Sheet Mascs™ for Men
Because dudes shouldn’t have to face their feminine fears
Do you worry that doing something nice, healthy, and relaxing for yourself will make you seem feminine? Well, good fucking news, boys! Sheet Mascs™ are here to help you take care of that tough, thick, manly skin while maintaining the level of masculinity that guarantees everyone still thinks you have a WIFE and a huge DICK and the strength of a BULLDOZER.
Sheet Mascs™ come in five different styles and are available in Walgreens (next to the Hungry Man Frozen Dinners) and in Walmart (next to the guns).
1. The XXL Sheet Masc
Men are the smartest beings on earth, and therefore, have the largest brains. Men also have fulsome, bushy beards as a safe place to hide all their feelings. So it’s obvious having an oversized head requires special care, which is why our XXL Sheet Masc covers so much more than your big-ass man face — it wraps completely around your dexterous dude dome! Dainty lady masks are about 6–7 inches wide (still, a very respectable amount of inches), while the XXL spans about 25 inches in every direction. Think of it as a massive tortilla, with your meaty noggin as the burrito filling. (Do not eat.) To use, blanket your human husk with the hydrating sheet, lie down on the closest leather…
