Introducing: Sheet Mascs™ for Men

Because dudes shouldn’t have to face their feminine fears

Sara Katherine Runnels
Sep 20 · 4 min read

Do you worry that doing something nice, healthy, and relaxing for yourself will make you seem feminine? Well, good fucking news, boys! Sheet Mascs™ are here to help you take care of that tough, thick, manly skin while maintaining the level of masculinity that guarantees everyone still thinks you have a WIFE and a huge DICK and the strength of a BULLDOZER.

Sheet Mascs come in five different styles and are available in Walgreens (next to the Hungry Man Frozen Dinners) and in Walmart (next to the guns).

1. The XXL Sheet Masc

Men are the smartest beings on earth, and therefore, have the largest brains. Men also have fulsome, bushy beards as a safe place to hide all their feelings. So it’s obvious having an oversized head requires special care, which is why our XXL Sheet Masc covers so much more than your big-ass man face — it wraps completely around your dexterous dude dome! Dainty lady masks are about 6–7 inches wide (still, a very respectable amount of inches), while the XXL spans about 25 inches in every direction. Think of it as a massive tortilla, with your meaty noggin as the burrito filling. (Do not eat.) To use, blanket your human husk with the hydrating sheet, lie down on the closest leather couch, take a 20-minute manpower nap, and wake up ready to face the world with a soft, dewy glow (it’s just sexy sweat), and your usual male confidence.

2. The Beer-Me Masc

Nothing screams “man” more than beer. Beer was invented for men, by men, and is consumed by mostly men, according to one (1) recent article in Man Monthly (formerly “Manthly”). We took this exclusive research and created something for guys who dream of just soaking their brain-cages in suds as a means of self-care. Vitamins in beer have actually been known to reduce acne breakouts, so, shockingly, we’re really onto something here. Each masc comes in a 16-ounce tallboy can, and can’t be accessed until you’ve first chugged the specially brewed all-American lager. After you fish it out of the bottom, release your chug-burp, then place it on your face for 10–15 minutes. For extreme absorption, there are no eye/nose/mouth holes, but trust us: it’s the best cure for what ‘ales’ you, bro! (Using the masc means you agree not to sue for injuries/death resulting from putting something airtight on your man-crown.)

3. The Athlete’s Masc

Dudes are so busy — playing ultimate sports or lifting weights, usually. Which is why we created a product that caters to the active lifestyle of our world’s most prized people: strongmen. The Athlete’s Masc comes in two different styles. One is light and tight (like you like your women!), and fits perfectly inside your football helmet, so teammates won’t even know you’re tackling skincare concerns while tackling other guys (no homo). And one is weighted, so all the jocks at the gym think you’re working out your face muscles when in actuality, you’re locking in countless nutrients as you lock down that hunky physique. They’re made primarily of raw eggs, protein powder, and other active ingredients for your EPIC-dermis, but most importantly, both mascs serve as a jockstrap for the face — protecting, comforting, and helping maintain one of your top-four subjectively valuable assets. (Please note: The masc is not intended for your genitals.) (Or, actually, whatever; do you, bro.)

4. The Detoxifying Masc

While scientifically unproven to do so, the detoxifying masc has been known to exfoliate your skin so intensely, that it manages to also remove trace notions of so-called “toxic masculinity” in the process. The pain caused by the tiny, desquamating spikes in the masc can make a man momentarily forget phrases like, “boys will be boys” and “real men don’t cry,” while still leaving you in the correct macho mindset required to drive your Dodge Ram 3500 Mega Cab to the nearest steakhouse. Surviving the pain of the Detoxifying Masc further proves your unyielding courage and strength, and willingness to go to great lengths to avoid being considered anything but masculine AS FUCK. Plus, the gentle lavender aroma is especially pleasant and comforting as you weep for two (2) minutes from the pain, then never again.

5. The I’m-Not-Sensitive-But-My-Skin-Is Masc

Complexions don’t have to be complex. In fact, one of the simplest derma issues Real Men encounter is sensitive skin. HEAR US OUT. We’re not saying you’re sensitive! No. Never. We know you haven’t felt a feeling that wasn’t a.) hunger, b.) horniness, or c.) idleness, in ages! We’re just acknowledging that, occasionally, your hearty hide needs some calming nutrients, to help minimize redness and inflammation caused by hunger, horniness, idleness, or a slap from a woman you upset (again). At first, the masc feels like a gentle hug — not that you’re into those — then, it quickly numbs the entire head, so you continue to feel almost nothing! The best time to use it? When you’re on the brink of feeling emotional, tender, or inferior — none of which are brand pillars for Real Men, and might trigger your WIFE or DICK or BULLDOZER to walk out on you.

Humungus

Masculinity is a mask. A bright, colorful mask.

Sara Katherine Runnels

Written by

Copywriter by day. Humor writer by night. Exhausted by afternoon. @omgskr / sararunnels.com

Humungus

Humungus

Masculinity is a mask. A bright, colorful mask.

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