Seeing My Own Death
A heartfelt speech to my wife
When I was three years old, my grandmother told me that if you looked directly into an open flame, you could see the exact moment of your death.
I’ve believed it ever since. I know it sounds dumb, but when you learn something as a kid, especially something about death, it really sticks with you, even when you know it’s illogical.
My whole life, I’ve tried to avoid fire at all costs. You’ve probably noticed. Remember when I took you to that sports bar with the outdoor fireplace and I immediately made us leave? Or when we were driving near those wildfires and I had to pull over and cover my eyes?
That’s because I never wanted to see my own death. I stayed away from barbecues. I’ve never been camping. I refused to go anywhere with snow because I knew that the risk of walking by a fireplace was too great. It really affected my life, Michelle. I’m honestly kind of offended that you’ve never noticed.
But despite all my efforts, it finally happened to me. I was at Dave’s house, just talking with him in the kitchen. And then he turned on the stove! The flames ignited and I didn’t look away, Michelle! I didn’t look away!
And do you know what I saw?
A toilet! I was lying dead of a heart attack at the base of a big, white toilet. My pants were around my knees and crap was everywhere. That’s how I’m gonna die!
So you have to believe me when I tell you that we shouldn’t buy that expensive new toilet you want. It has nothing to do with money. It’s only because… I know the toilet is going to kill me.
We should probably just spend the money on a new TV instead. You understand.
I’m making my first movie! Check it out!
