A Honest Cover Letter

If you have ever applied for 1 job, or (if you graduated college in the last 5 years) 100,000 jobs, then you understand the annoyance of writing a meaningful cover letter. Down to it’s core, it feels like a plea to have someone just look at your resume and 9 times out of 10, it rarely even makes it to the HR person’s eyeballs. It arduous, stupid, and mostly feels like a monumental waste of time.

Once, I get so fed up with writing cover letters to jobs, I just wrote whatever was on my mind in the form of one. This happened about a year ago, and I found it while digging through my old write-ups. It’s rough and came to be from a late night application session, but sometimes, I wonder if I should have sent this or not…probably not.

An Honest Cover Letter

January 29, 2013

Dear Sir or Madam, The jig is up. I know for a fact that you probably aren’t going to read this cover letter. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure you looked at the opening line of “Dear Sir or Madam” and got offended by the way I wrote it, based on some arbitrary criteria that you abide by because it was in a Buzzfeed article titled “25 things that won’t get you hired, as told by .gifs from The Notebook”. So, knowing this, I am going to continue to write this cover letter as if you are only reading the last sentence in every other paragraph. Buckle up, Bro/Bro-ette, because here we go:

Look, this isn’t your average cover letter, because the guy who is writing it, isn’t your average applicant. I’m your dream applicant, sent to tell you to completely cease looking for a new Policy Coordinator Desk Jockey, because I’m already available, and you still haven’t used your other two wishes yet.

I saw your job post online and said to myself, “Well, hell, I’m perfect for that job! It must their lucky day”. It is. It is your lucky day because you just found the person who is going to work himself to death just for you to underpay him. I am ready, set, and committed to bringing the best in everything I do, because if I don’t you’ll probably can find some other spineless dope to do it. I work hard and go the extra mile, every day, all day. It’s all I know, like Rihanna and “questionable life decisions”. You know who doesn’t work hard and go the extra mile? The French, that’s who. Are you French? No? Then I am the candidate you need for this job.

You are probably wondering, “Hey, who is this profound and shockingly astute applicant, and what can he do for me?” Well, let me be Frank, or Kurt, or any other guy for a second, and just say that I’m going to need you to take that doubt and throw it off the Eisenhower Bridge. It’s completely useless, like a racial sensitivity class for Ann Coulter. If hiring me is wrong, you don’t want to be right. What’s that? You need someone who can basically run an office, be current on all international trade issues, and make a perfectly seasoned and cooked steak? Well, I’ve got some great news for you. Not only do I have years of experience doing that, but the word “coordinator” is even in the name of my current position. Seriously, look at my resume. You can’t miss it; I even put the job title in bold. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST LOOK AT IT. I have led the planning of many programmed activities, as well as have experience in financial analysis, policy analysis, and have excelled in that regard. You name it, I’ll deliver. So much so, that Karl Malone owes me money for stealing “The Mailman” moniker. Man, I hate that guy. As you can see, I work well with others.

This is part where I tell you about the skills I have that would be beneficial to your organization. Well, screw that, because I’m going to tell you my superhero origin story instead. I grew up a poor black child, on the mean streets of New Jersey. My daddy was absent, and my mom was just a steel town girl, on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of her life. Actually, my mistake, that is from the movie “Flashdance”. Anywho, one night they were both killed in a freak circus bear accident, and the police did nothing to help. From that day on, I vowed to prevent that from ever happening again. Thus, I spend my nights, scaling rooftops and protecting the city, keeping it safe from random bear attacks. Have you ever been mauled by a bear in a clown suit? You’re welcome.

Now, back to the letter. You should know that being one dimensional is for weenies, so I don’t do that. I’m not a weenie, I’m a multi-talented, multi-faceted professional. I’m multi-dimensional, like an episode of “Sliders”. Jerry O’Connell has got nothing on me (That’s right, a “Sliders” joke and 90’s pop culture reference, that’s a twofer). I can juggle multiple projects, like some sort of coked out Cirque De Soleil performer. Interpersonal skills? I got that in spades, and I love everyone (except Karl Malone and Al Qaeda, they suck). I am an apt observer (I dominate “I Spy” and the License Plate game), and I genuinely care about the work I do.

Now, I’m going to be a bit honest here, I have a background in International Affairs and Trade Policy, as opposed to whatever buzz word job descriptor you decided to come up with. Don’t worry though, because I have got you covered. I’ve got your back like the black partner in a buddy cop action flick. You’re Riggs and I’m Murtaugh.

I am a seriously acute learner and awesome at understanding new techniques, as it also takes only a small amount of time for me to implement them into my everyday routine. I’m the human equivalent of Johnny 5, some sort of human-high-tech robot hybrid who has just grown sentient, and I will probably start doing things better than you originally did them, due to my Borg-like assimilation skills. Efficiency comes in the package and resistance is futile.

What else can I do? Everything else. I can slice, I can dice, I can make Julienne fries. I know how to double clutch a manual transmission. Microsoft Word? You got it. Excel? No sweat. Social media applications? Wake me when you have a challenge. I’m a human Veg-O-Matic that runs on Energizer batteries. I keep going and going and going. So much that, in one instance, I went back in time to save Sarah Conner and it was awesome. SkyNet is no longer a problem, thanks to me, and my diverse skill set.

I get it, you’re busy, probably reading a whole bunch of other cover letters that are nowhere near as awesome as this one, so let’s not waste time. If you’re interested, don’t even read the resume I included. It’s just going to tell you the same crap you already know. If you do decide to read it, it has all the information in which to reach me and in an easily legible format, for anyone who may be related to a NFL official. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Kyle Cromer

Global Programs Coordinator (←SEE RIGHT HERE)

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Originally published at hypeothesisblog.wordpress.com on July 2, 2014.

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