Half-Baked Ideas to change the world for the better……nope, probably for the worst, nevermind…..

I always felt like I was a guy with a lot of ideas, whether they are good or bad. I always write down those random thoughts and thought that some day I might be able to share them with the world. I also happen to be a huge fan of the content on Grantland, the blog network started by long time ESPN writer Bill Simmons. Every couple of months he gets together with his friends and talk about “half-baked” ideas. Simple ideas that would improve life, that may not be totally fleshed out. They then get together and just discuss the viability of such things on a podcast or video show. This always struck me as an awesome idea, as I have always been a fan of random brainstorming and bullshitting with my friends.

So, without further adieu, here is a list of just a few of my “half baked” ideas related to any damn topic I think of. Please enjoy.

Idea #1: Dunkin Donuts Delivery/Subscription Service

I really do not know why this isn’t a thing yet.

A regular doughnut/coffee combo at your local Dunks is about $3.50 and I know for a fact, that the Dunkin Donuts in DC are quite spread out. What if I want a doughnut fix at like 2 o’clock in the afternoon? How about a DD delivery service? We see people pay extra money for basic items at food trucks all the time, why not a doughnut truck or delivery service to get you your glazed goods with haste? Instead of $3.50 for 3 doughnuts and a coffee, just charge $8.00 dollars for the same combo meal to cover the food truck . You know folks will pay for it.

Matter of fact, I’ll do you one better. We know that Dunkin Donuts has regional and seasonal doughnuts (for example, there are parts of the country who do not get bearclaws, elephant ears, and stuff like Guava-burst flavored doughnuts) in addition to the staple menu choices. Why not have a subscription service for donuts you want to try out on the public, and ship them nationwide? October rolls around, just ship out a 4 doughnut sampler of cinnamon, pumpkin spice, and some other autumn only doughnut concoction. I swear there is money to be made on people being Fatties.

Idea#2: NBA Floor Seat Lottery

The NBA has a serious seating issue. See, floor seats (which have always been expensive) and lower bowl seats, that are right in the view of national cameras, have become premium real estate for celebrities and rich business people. This has always been a thing but the saving grace was that there were ALWAYS die hard fans that could afford seats SOMEWHERE in those sections, unless it was at a Madison Square Garden-type of arena. Sadly, the prices on all of those seats have climbed exponentially over the past few years, and are being purchased by those looking to rub elbows, not watch a competitive basketball game. Hence, why those seats going unfilled until midway through the 2nd quarter, or however much time it takes to get the Escalade valeted. The result is a bunch of guys, right in camera sight, who are dressed like they are trying to take a cheerleader home to meet their 20-something children while being completely disinterested in the game.

I propose that there be a section of about 20 seats, mid court about 5–8 rows up from the floor (right in the line with the TV cameras), that are either given away or sold especially cheap to “true” fans of the team. In exchange, this section has a list of MANDATORY rules they must abide by or lose their seats to someone else. These rules would include actions like being in their seats by a specific time, being head to toe in team theme garb, or participating in any cheers directed at the section.

It’s a win-win.

The arenas don’t look so bad on TV, you get more fan involvement from the hundreds that would participate in a contest like that, and you get to make some “regular” fans feel like stars for an evening.

Back-up idea: Use the same system only with the seats that are positioned under the baskets on both ends of the court. Those seats are normally cheaper anyway, as they are right behind the stanchion, making viewing of the game difficult. This section would have different requirements, too. Let’s say that the entire section, for example, would have to stand the entire game or dress in costume. It would look like a professional version of Cameron Indoor and I’m willing to bet money that fans of all kinds would want to be apart of it, even celebrities. Imagine the homecourt advantage that would be available in that arena on any given night and how incredible that would be see on camera and in the flesh. HEAR THAT, NBA GMs?!?!!

Idea #3: AirCaucasian

Life becomes so much easier when you have the appropriate representation with you. So, this idea is basically “AirBnB”, only you rent folks who don’t get hassled by police. Just think, Minorities, the next time you have to talk to your boss about “office issues”, and you have to worry about if they will feel you are being “defensive” or “angry”. Just hit the AirCaucasian app on your phone and you can have someone less “threatening” tell your boss how you feel. It could even help with minorities infiltrating regularly Caucasian activities. Are you afraid to go the Dave Matthews concert by yourself? Now, with AirCaucasian, you can go in style with your own personal “Jeff” (I am just assuming we are calling them all “Jeff”) to help you navigate the concert without feeling lonely and direct you to the nearest farmer’s market.

Related Idea: AirBBD — Big Black Dude.

Sometimes you need backup when you are about to throw down with some ass who said you got your J.Crew Vintage Oxford from the factory outlet. Just hit the AirBBD app, and you can immediately have a Michael Clarke Duncan-sized black gentlemen dispatched to stand next to you and scowl. That punk ass won’t start shit with you now that you have a 280 pound ex-linebacker named Barkavious standing next to you. Not only that, but ladies will totally dig you more, now with all of the street cred you clearly have at your disposal. You guys can even reenact episodes of Rob & Big if you want to. It’ll be great.

Idea#4: Mimosa Lunchables/Snack-Packs

Ladies, you ever needed a mid-day pick me up? Or ever tried to sneak in a bottle of champagne and OJ into an public event, but feared of getting judged and having your Bey-gency membership revoked? Now, you can get boozey with some easy to carry “juice boxes” of champagne, prosecco, and orange juice. They could come in packs of two with one box being the booze and the other being the juice. You can then decide how much of a bad decision to make at any given time in the mimosa making process. Just think, it’s 2014 and we still don’t have “Juicy Juice” for adults. This solves that problem.

Idea #5: Dynomat Blanket/ Sex Sound Deadening

There is a long story to this, but I’ll make it short. During my freshman year of college, I had a roommate who CONSTANTLY had his girlfriend in our dorm room. Which, although annoying, wasn’t terribly bad…until the one night they thought I was asleep in my bed and decided to bump uglies.

I’m no idiot. I tried everything short of a written compliant to their genitals to get them to nicely cease and desist. I made noises, I moved around, I coughed real loud to try and signal that I was still awake, but it was no use. They were going at it hard, like a herd of wet silverback gorillas playing hide the banana, with much of the same vigor and sound.

You say, “Why didn’t I put in headphones and go to sleep with music in my ear”, and to you I say “have you ever tried to sleep on your side with studio headphones or ear buds?”. That crap is super uncomfortable.

So, here is my idea: a Dynomat Blanket for college students/roommates with thin or no walls.

Dynomat is a material used to reduce the ambient noises from driving a car. Road noise, speaker rattles, frame squeaks, etc are muffled with only a couple yards of the stuff. Why not make a blanket out of it (or some other noise cancelling substance), and just wrap it over your body like a protective shield? It should help to keep out the noise when your roommate brings someone home to recreate the Battle of Helms Deep using only their privates.

I have a ton of these but please keep in mind that these aren’t totally fleshed out. Some are viable, some are humorous, and some have more holes than an execution of SpongeBob via a firing squad, but all of them are awesome. Do you guys have any good ones? I’d like to hear it.

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Originally published at hypeothesisblog.wordpress.com on August 11, 2014.

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