KC Gives Horrible Advice: Valentine’s Day Edition, Part 1

I don’t know about anyone else, but watching the dating scene in DC is a lot like watching turtles hump; it’s weird, confusing, and generally disorienting to look at. Short of trading an ox and 2 mule to her father, there has to be a better way for the male populace to make it past 1st and a half base (under the shirt, over the bra) with someone of the opposite sex.

I know what you are thinking, “KC, how are you, a tamed stallion, the best provider of tips on getting girls?” Well, let me tell you something, nerd, I am the most qualified person to give advice as I have tricked the same lady into letting me squeeze her butt for several years. It’s pretty obvious by the way my boyish good looks and animal magnetism comes leaping from the page, you can tell I am clearly the perfect person for this job. Also, one time my mom said I was good at it, and the fact that I’ve seen every episode of “The Pick-Up Artist”.

So, with Valentine’s Day fast approaching, I’m going to try and parlay some knowledge on how to get yourself some action and maybe you too can be a raging dynamo of sexiness, just like me.

Initiating Operation: Sexy Time

Ok, so first things first, you need to actually get a date before you can start sexing women like your life has been suddenly and unexpectedly transformed into a Jodeci music video. To do this, what you are going to have to do is flirt.

Now, this is hard for some, but I know you can do it. What most guys want to do when they see a future Horizontal Hokie-Pokie partner is walk to the lady and say something smooth like, “Do you come here often?”

Don’t do that.

You want to make her feel special as though she is the most important non-male person ever. Your opening line is going to be, “Do you have a phone in your back pocket? Because your booty is calling me”. Follow that up by introducing yourself as “Dr. Dirk Von LuvTron, Ph. D; Doctor/ Love-making cyborg”. Trust me, she’ll love you complimenting her rear end and your complete honesty with your professional accomplishments. It means you are paying attention to her needs.

As you struggle to keep her from just ravishing you in public, (which I can only assume is happening after that home run of a pick-up line) speak to her using sexy words that let her know what’s really up. Words like “boning”, “sexy time”, and “wankerdoodle” are perfect sexual keys that let her know of your intentions in the classiest way possible. If all else fails, just tell her you drive a Porsche, and by Porsche you mean vehicle, and by vehicle, you mean a bike.

Getting the Date

If you followed my instructions on flirting, you will surely have the girl’s phone number, as after hearing your suave man flow; she will have ripped off your shirt and written it in lipstick across your chest. Now comes the hard part — securing the date (which is not that hard if you have the confidence). Now, most ladies are going to want you to call them after some socially required amount of time, or text them the “deets” or whatever the kids are doing nowadays. No, you do something different because you have more style and you need to show this by making it personal. I suggest writing a well thought out love note, about your future date and the time you’ll spend together, then placing the letter in a sealed envelope, tying it to a brick, and throwing it through her bedroom window. Fellas, there is nothing sexier than committing a small felony.

If you want to be a square and actually call her for a date, try not to sound like a complete dweeb on the phone. Stay away from light conversation and get right to the nitty gritty. Instead of fair chit-chat and loose conversation about the weather and ideas about the date, ask her immediately how many babies she is willing to produce and if you can name them after Marvel Comics characters. Ask her if she has a job, because little Professor Peter Parker Thor Magneto will need to be taken care of and cared for. If she starts getting freaked out, just reassure her it’s all part of your 15 page girlfriend application that she will have to get notarized, in triplicate, before the actual date starts. Chicks love paperwork.

What to wear

There is an old adage: “The clothes make the man.” I don’t know who said it first, but I assume it was someone who was confused on how humans reproduce. So, with that said, what you wear on a date will make or break your quest to see what your lady friend looks like naked. You want to make yourself look like a man of class and humble sophistication, and that is why you need to wear a pair of wranglers and a screen print wolf tee; the more wolves the better. The thing about this clothing choice is that it automatically puts the ladies on notice; you are a hunter, wild and free, born to run, and doesn’t take guff from anyone, especially your mom who is constantly coming into your room when you are trying to play League of Legends. Pair that outfit with your favorite set of orange crocs, and you’ll have to leave the restaurant early due to your date attempting to take you to SmashTown. Once your swag uniform is complete, you’ll be ready to set the world and your date’s pants on fire.

Part 2 of the guide is coming soon. It will include: what to do on your date, what things to talk about, and of course, what to do when you get back to your love shack (read: mom’s basement).

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Originally published at hypeothesisblog.wordpress.com on February 7, 2014.

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