All The Stuff I Probably Should Be Doing That I Don’t
An Expose
So apparently there’s this thing called the “Mommy Wars”, where moms of all stripes line up and lambast and guilt each other for the choices they make for themselves, their children, and their families. Sounds fun, no?
As a stay-at-home mom, and an advocate for other SAHMs, I want to be bold and unashamed in my choice, but I don’t want people to hear something that isn’t there when I tell them about it. I don’t want them to feel like my choice to stay home is a judgment on them for not making the same choice. I swear to you that my opinion on this subject begins and ends with “it’s none of my beeswax”.
HOWEVER. I also feel that it would be disingenuous for me to pretend like I think that all decisions are equal. I don’t think any of us actually do. I didn’t make the choice to stay home by flipping a coin or deciding that it was “just so me!”, I made it because I really thought it was a better choice than doing the working mama thing (all other things being equal — which of course they usually aren’t). Staying home is a priority to me for a reason — reasons, in fact. To pretend it’s not is just silly.
I think the key to ending the Mommy Wars is not to fake indifference, but to acknowledge and respect that other people have different priorities, and that they have every right to prioritize what they think is most important in their personal and parenting decisions — and also to realize that just because someone tells you something about themselves, it is not necessarily an invitation to share your opinion on it. Giving someone information is not the same as asking for advice or critique.
Life is full of trade-offs. You cannot do and have everything. We all have a right to decide what we’re willing to give up so that we can get something that we value more highly. I have my reasons for putting value on the things I value, and I assume that you have yours as well. I don’t want to pretend like the difference in values isn’t there — I just don’t want to make war over it.
Below I extend an olive branch in the Mommy Wars: a list of things that are probably good to do but I don’t, because I put a higher value on something else. You are free to think to yourself, “She may be a SAHM but she doesn’t do x”. Eat your heart out.
- I don’t feed my family farm-fresh, organic food. That stuff is freaking expensive. In order for me to be able to stay home, we have to survive on one income, so we can’t really afford $8.00 for a gallon of milk. I am a coupon-ing fiend. If it’s on sale, that’s what we’re eating. Sometimes I feel guilty and defensive about this. Other times, I don’t.
- I stopped breast-feeding my daughter at 4 months. She totally drinks formula exclusively now — and it’s the cheapest kind we could find (Costco — seriously you guys it is half the price of any other brand). It’s a long story but I lost my supply and couldn’t get it back. Maybe we could have hired a lactation coach (yes, that is definitely a thing, for all you doubters), or gone through the hassle of getting donated breast milk (that’s a thing too), but it just wasn’t that big of a priority.
- I don’t go in for a lot of “enrichment” stuff for our daughter. OK, she’s 1 this February, so it’s not really that relevant yet (although baby yoga is also definitely a thing). We just stay home most of the time, and she crawls around and tries to figure out how to take the frame off of the heat register, for the most part. Who knows what kind of radically different parents we will be in 8 years, but at this point we are not really up for doing a lot of organized sports, or ballet, or horseback-riding lessons, or Civil War reenactment clubs, or things of that nature. I’m sure it’s all good stuff, but just not a priority for us and our family.
- I don’t take her on regularly scheduled play dates. She gets to see other kids at the church nursery once a week, and if my best mom friend who lives across town is available, we get together, and, well, playing happens (although at this stage they mostly just ignore each other or hit one another with toys). We only have one car right now (one income means it takes a little longer to save for things like a second car). However, she does seem to really enjoy playing with the dog. Does that count? I don’t know if that counts.
- I don’t do pinterest projects. Ever.
- I don’t read to my daughter in foreign languages. This would be a great thing to do. I should probably be doing it. I don’t.
- I don’t interact with my daughter 24/7. Right now — right this minute, I’m sitting here typing away at this while she amuses herself by pushing one of the DVDs she took out off the shelf across the floor. She seems happy. Could I be spending this time working on her social and verbal skills so that when she grows up she can be 10% smarter than Susie next door? I could. But I don’t.
- I don’t thoroughly research every product I put on, in, or around her. I probably have far too much faith in child product manufacturers. I am currently using diaper cream that I bought at the Dollar Store. It seems to work ok, but I have to admit that I couldn’t name you one ingredient that’s in it. Glycerin? Maybe? Is that one?
- I don’t buy brand-name clothes for our daughter. Actually (and you’re all going to want to kill me here), I think we have spent all of $11.00 on clothes for our daughter since she was born (the $11 was for a set of sleepers after she had a sudden growth spurt and had no pajamas that fit). People keep giving us their stuff.
- I don’t buy educational toys and developmental DVDs and whatnot for our daughter. She just has regular, non-educational toys that are for the most part things we’ve been given by other parents, or my husband’s old toys that he found in his parents’ garage. No Baby Einstein movies or Leapfrog pads. Honestly she’s just lucky that she has something to play with besides sticks and rocks. Besides, all she wants to play with is the saran wrap in the bottom drawer.
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