Concerned About Rape Culture? Maybe It’s Time to Break Up With the F-Word
Thoughts from Medium’s Resident Prude
Although it does apparently make a great Scrabble word (that’s 12 points for 4 letters, and 13 if you didn’t have to use the blank!), it’s no secret here on Medium that I am not a fan of the f-word. Recently I wrote an entire article on the over-use of curse words in general in writing. It received a respectable number of recommends, but more importantly, it started a lively and respectful dialogue. Two articles in one month on the subject is beginning to look like an obsession, but that dialogue made me really grapple with why cursing in general, but specifically, the f-word, is so repulsive to me, and I realized that there was much more to say.
If past conversations are any indicator, some readers may have clicked on this article simply because they were bewildered by the title. What does the f-word have to do with rape, or rape culture? Frankly, it was a new idea to me, too.
There is a lot controversy over what exactly constitutes rape culture, but for what it’s worth, this is the definition that came up when I googled it:
Rape Culture: a society or environment whose prevailing social attitudes have the effect of normalizing or trivializing sexual assault and abuse.
While the word f*** is not a direct synonym for rape, I do think it is worth looking at how we use it, and how often a slang term for sex is used in ways that consciously or unconsciously normalize non-consensual sex.
- As a synonym for sex
The f-word is often used to merely mean “have sex with”. This is probably the most innocuous of its uses, but still one that leaves me uneasy. Grammar demands that the word be used in a subject-verb-object form, meaning that its usage leaves the impression that sex is something that you do to someone, or have done to you, depending on whether you are the subject or the object of that sentence. If we are interested in avoiding a cultural climate that normalizes rape, I think we need to start by making an effort to talk about sex in ways that do not portray it as an active/passive experience.
Occasionally I do see it used in a grammatical form that does not imply an active subject and a passive object (e.g. “we f*****”), but that is a definite exception, not the rule.
2. As a means of empowerment
Here we begin to tread into yet murkier waters.
I’ve found that women particularly gravitate towards the idea of claiming the f-word as a tool of empowerment. The more I think about this idea, the more it troubles me. Why would a vulgar term for sex be something that women feel the need to call upon in order to feel “tough” and “bad-ass”?
What exactly does power have to do with sex? I think we make the association because the sex/power dynamic that has been denounced as a part of “toxic masculinity” has been unconsciously accepted and adopted by the very women who hate it most. I always thought sex was something that should take place in an atmosphere of mutual trust and vulnerability, but then, I am after all Medium’s Resident Prude.
I’ve talked before about the troubling trend of glamorizing female violence as a means of empowering women, and I think this use of the f-word is questionable (at best) for all the same reasons.
3. As An Expression of Anger, Disgust, or Outrage
This is probably the most prevalent use of the word, and also the most problematic. I’ve heard it said many times: “Sometimes it’s just the only word that will do.” The f-word is considered the decibel 10, ultimate cuss-word.
Think about what these example phrases mean:
f*** you
f*** the patriarchy
f*** this s***
Clearly in this context it is no longer being used to describe consensual sex. If I am to understand the term literally, it seems to be a way of saying “You are so bad that I hope you get raped as a punishment.” I don’t think that “sex” and “punishment” are things that should go together. Ever. No matter what injustice or wrong you are calling out, rape as a punishment is simply not an acceptable idea.
Most people are not consciously thinking about rape when they use the f-word, even in the 3rd context, but the f-word unconsciously gives rape a place at the table of our dialogue. I think that that is the core of why I wince when I hear it, and I suspect that, even though it took me some time to put words on that feeling, I am probably not the only one who feels that way.
Special thanks to everyone who contributed to the discussion on the last article, especially those who disagreed. I promise this might be maybe the last time I write on this for a while.
I truly do not intend for this post to give offense to people who use the f-word. As always you are welcome to take or leave what I have to say, but I hope that either way you won’t see it as a reason to shun me or think that I will shun you.
Sincerely, Medium’s Resident Prude
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