Confession Time: I Am Super Conflict-Averse, You Guys
And Also … Thanks For Being Awesome
And sometimes I kind of feeling like throwing up as I hit “publish”. The relief I feel when I see that first recommend is kind of ridiculous. Sometimes after I’ve published something I think is going to get negative attention, I have to fight the urge to write something frivolous real quick so that maybe the more controversial piece doesn’t draw too many views.
Not everything I write is controversial, thank goodness. But some of it is (like my review on Rogue One — I just about got disowned by my immediate family over that). But seriously folks … argument is not my thing. Some people like it — they enjoy the adrenaline and the mental exercise. We need those kind of personalities in the world. I’m just not one of them. I get no thrill out of pitting my opinion against others’. That is not what draws me to writing.
I got trolled last week on a different platform. It was my first time. The guy was a bit of a Neo-Nazi. I mean, he didn’t have a profile badge that said “Neo-Nazi”, but most Neo-Nazis don’t (even Richard Spencer doesn’t call himself a Neo-Nazi). His profile showed sympathetic defenses of Hitler and blatant anti-Semetic conspiracy-theory mongering. After calling attention to how young my profile pictures looks*, he condescendingly warned me that some people on this site don’t stand for “PC” stuff like this. I don’t engage that kind of thing.
It was quite mild, actually, by trolling standards. There was no foul language. I wouldn’t call it “abusive”. I wish it didn’t bother me. I wish it didn’t get a rise out of me. I wish I could tell you I didn’t wake up at 4 in the morning thinking of all the things I could say back. I wish my brain would let me laugh at it, and move on. I wish I could wish away the knot in my stomach. It goes away in its own sweet time, but I haven’t yet figured out a way of dispelling it.
You’re not supposed to say this stuff online. You’re supposed to pretend like you’re tough until you actually get tough. You’re not supposed to let on that stuff gets to you. But I say phooey — I don’t like lying to myself or other people. So I’ll tell you: it bugs me. It makes me wonder if I’m really cut out for this — this whole “saying stuff I think where people can actually hear me”. But so far, it hasn’t made me stop. That’s all I’ve got. I’m not a tough mudder. I’m just a vulnerable, overly-sensitive human being who, so far, keeps coming back, because I feel like somebody ought to be saying what I’m saying.
I haven’t been on Medium very long, and apparently not long enough to get trolled here, but I’ve picked up a few readers — you know who you are. I want to say this while it’s still true: you guys are kind of awesome. Wait, that sounds bad — when I said I want to say it while it’s still true I didn’t mean that I’m expecting you to stop being awesome, but just acknowledging that at some point I might get some readers that aren’t up to your level of awesomeness. I kind of wish it could always stay this way: just a nice, cozy group of delightful human beings who read one another’s work and offer positive feedback, and the occasional “but have you thought about this …?”. Disagreeing doesn’t have to be a gladiator sport. I’ve somehow been crazy lucky enough to have readers who actually understand that.
I should probably bake you all some cookies or something.
*By the way, if anyone is curious about that, but is too polite to ask, I’m 29; I’ve always looked much younger than I am — when I was 7 I was devastated to find out that the reason that the little girl down the street didn’t want to play with me was that she thought I was 4. But I know all yuz will still play with me even though I look 15 sometimes.
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