My Favorite Quotes from the Phantom Menace Computer Game

File Under “Weirdly Nostalgic And Utterly Useless”

Ah, childhood — that time when the mind makes no differentiation between information that is useful, even vital, and information that is absolutely, positively, OF NO USE WHATSOEVER ON ANY PLANET OF ANY GALAXY OF ANY UNIVERSE REAL OR IMAGINED.

Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not so sure that this is a condition that is exclusive to childhood.

Since I was ill-fated enough to be of the generation in which “Star Wars” meant the prequels, the Phantom Menace computer game (which, as it turns out, was waaaaaay better than the movie) ended up being a kind of backdrop to a certain era of my youth. And of course, my preteen mind latched on to every stinking line of the gameplay and, to this day, has never let it go.

Here I offer what I think are the best out of my catalogue of perfectly-remembered lines from the Phantom Menace PC adventure:

“Mean people die pretty quick down here.” — random gangster from the Coruscant level
“You look like a man who could use a rancor-skin jacket!” — random merchant lady from the Tatooine level
“You better stand back, mister, because I’m about to slash . . . ALL — MY — PRICES!” — random merchant guy from the Tatooine level
“Is that juri juice for me? You’re too kind.” — alcoholic customer of unknown species at Tatooine bar
“Watch out for the hairy stranger!” — street urchin making fun of Qui-gon in the Tatooine level
“BoooooOO-ga!” — all the street urchins making fun of Qui-gon on the Tatooine level
“Hey — that thief just stole my ignition capicitor!” — Anakin, on the Podrace level
“Argh — you’re a no-good killer!” — random guy on Tatooine level, if you accidentally (or intentionally) kill innocent passers-by with your lightsaber

Reach out to me in the comments if you, too, have way too much dialogue from obscure computer games/video games/movies memorized, that I may feel less alone in this world.

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