Stopwatch #3: Deshaun Watson and Shelley FKA DRAM

This is the third edition of a monthly series that I’m doing called Stopwatch. Each month, I want to stop and take some time to share some stray thoughts about things I’ve been interested in. I’m planning to do about 2–5 topics every month so I hope you’ll enjoy.

Deshaun Watson and our Approach to Sexual Abuse Cases

When the news about Deshaun Watson dropped a couple weeks ago, I was uneasy about the conversations that were happening around it. The opinions ranged from: “let’s wait and see all the evidence” to conspiracy theories that the Texans were making this all up to get him to stay to “Deshaun always seemed like a good guy so this doesn’t make sense for this to be true.” As the number of lawsuits have reached 22, a lot of people are more willing to believe that Deshaun has done what the massage therapists have claimed. I get the thought that the more individuals that come out about something, the more likely that something happened. It’s the thought that “they ALL can’t be lying”. But, I just wonder what if only one or two women came out about it. Do we just dismiss them?

I’m not writing this to litigate whether Deshaun did what they say he did. I am of the belief that I will always believe sexual assault survivors when they come out about abuse done to them. But I do want us to think about how we approach these cases and the ramifications around that. A lot of people wonder why survivors don’t come out immediately about abuse. But then, when they do come out, there’s a lot of doubt. It’s “these h*** be lying”, stories about how much good the accused has done, or that the accuser is just trying to get a check. Who would want to be subjected to that abuse? Additionally, if they do decide to go to the courts, they get slut shamed in the proceedings and their character is assassinated. So, before you just go straight to questioning why someone came out, think about that.

Let’s also think about the impact our responses to these situations have on those in our communities who may have been abused. Our responses may trigger those around us and make people uncomfortable. How can the people in our lives feel comfortable to come out about abuse when we make comments like these?

There are also a lot of people that take a “wait and see” approach. They want to wait until the facts come out before making a conclusion. I get this approach and it is way better than just immediately dismissing the accuser. However, there are some issues with this approach as well. A lot of these cases are very much “he said/she said” situations. There isn’t always video footage of the encounters. There isn’t a lot of evidence deemed acceptable by the powers that be. So, what if someone doesn’t have that evidence? Should we dismiss them? The answer is no. First, we know that the vast majority of survivors are not lying about sexual abuse or harassment. We also know that many people are subjected to abuse or harassment especially those from marginalized backgrounds. Because of that, it is probably a good bet to believe someone who has said that they have been abused.

I implore people to think about these things before making comments when accusers come out. If we can change our approach to these conversations, we can begin to make our spaces more comfortable for the abused to come out and speak about their experience and for us to work on holding abusers accountable.

Shelley FKA DRAM — Exposure

Really excited to see what DRAM’s album is going to sound like when it drops April 30th. But, he is holding us over with a couple singles and my favorite of them is “Exposure”. It’s beautifully written and that mixed with DRAM’s vocals makes it an incredible song. This is my favorite part:

Let me love you inside-out and outside-in

Let me touch your soul before I touch your skin

Expose yourself to me

You have my consent

I wanted to see

What lies underneath

Cause beauty to me, is more than skin deep

I really love these first couple of lines. The use of the word “expose” is unique and great. DRAM is singing about learning the insides of his partner’s mind and soul. He wants to know all about his partner before he gets to the sexual parts. It will make their sexual experience that much better. DRAM is expressing his love and desire for his partner but not in a weirdo way that some R&B songs do (sometimes I read the lyrics and I’m like WHAT) and not in a forceful way either. It’s nice and comforting and shit, makes me want to “expose” myself. Not to overuse the word, but the song is truly beautiful and gives an intriguing take on what love should look like.