I finally went to Hogwarts
I’d been delaying visiting the Harry Potter stuff at Universal Orlando. Well, more exactly, I didn’t really care if I never visited it. I’m a huge Harry Potter fan, but I had decided there would be much about the park(s) that would bother me — stuff that most people wouldn’t even notice. I was right.
And I did keep an open mind, and I didn’t hate it or anything. I’m glad I went. I went with a good friend who absolutely loves it there and that made it a fun experience in and of itself. It was kind of a bummer that I didn’t love it as much as she did.
The unworthy mob
We were lucky that it rained the first 3 hours of the day and it was not crowded at all. Still, the people in this setting makes the setting very not real to me. And then there are times like the above pictured where it’s like, hey Selfie Stick! I see that you’re having a good time but that’s Hagrid’s hut and you’re holding a selfie stick. Why don’t you avada kedavra the fuck out of here. Go ride Spiderman you piece of shit.
You can buy an “interactive wand” for $50. My friend had one from a previous trip, fortunately for our pocketbooks. It’s like a normal wand except it has some sensor tech in the tip. At certain marked spots throughout Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley you can wave the wand and things will happen… like water will fall from an umbrella or lights will turn on or a tiny automaton elf will climb up a ladder. You have to wave your wand more than once though… they’re kind of glitchy, you see. I felt no desire to even try to do that. Stand in a marked spot and wave a remote control over and over to get tech to work? The Starbucks mobile order app feels more magical to me.
The Hogwarts castle is cool, but I don’t feel like I’m there. It’s a feat of architecture, but because of Disney it’s not one I’m unfamiliar with.
The sloppy light show
They had a light show where they projected shit onto the castle. At one point there was a group of castle ghosts singing a “Merry Christmas” song from the second movie. But, they did it all wrong. They did it wrong consistently throughout the show, but it was most egregious with the ghosts.
The ghosts were about the size I’ve drawn above. They flew around and then eventually hovered in those areas and others. They looked photo-realistic and were singing, but do you notice what’s fucked up about this?
Yeah, the ghost at the top is like 100 feet tall. You could argue that the ghosts on the bottom are too, but THAT’S MY FAULT. I drew all the ghosts a little larger than what they were. The ghosts on the bottom looked fine, trust me. The top ones (there were more than what I drew) were giants.
This is a more accurate portrayal of how these ghosts should be projected. If you went to all the trouble to design a surface to have perspective, why the fuck would you then ruin your illusion with a light show? A light show which you can always edit once you’ve realized your mistake. It’s just sloppy. It’s intentional shoddiness banking on the fact that people will pay up anyway.
Also later in the show they project Hermione and Viktor Krum dancing during the Yule Ball and I shit you not, someone is just holding 2 Barbie dolls and swaying them.
The bizarre train ride
There’s a train ride on the Hogwarts Express that will take you between the two parks (from Diagon Alley in UO to Hogsmeade in IOA, and the other way). During this ride they have some theatrics with the shadows that appear in your shut train car doors. This isn’t my picture, but to give you the idea…
The shows are different depending on which direction you’re going. On the one going to Hogwarts, dementors show up. A single dementor’s shadow drifts into your train car view and puts his skeletal hand on the window. Suddenly you hear Harry Potter yell, “Expecto patronum!” and the dementor falls backwards, to the right. Within 2 seconds, Harry, Ron and Hermione run in from the left and say something like, “Nice one, Harry.” “Yeah, brilliant.” From the right — from right where the dementor just fell back to — the woman who runs the Honeydukes trolley pushes it on up and says, “Dementors on the Hogwarts Express? Oh dear me. Better get back to your seats, children.” And then they all leave the windows after saying a few more passing words.
I just… I just cannot find anything inspiring about that.
There’s also stuff happening outside the train window. When you’re approaching Hogwarts (aka, the Islands of Adventure theme park), you can see the castle. It’s a video, but it’s still cool. All lit up across the lake. And then Hagrid bursts into view on his motorbike waving at you, and then he loses control of the bike briefly and totters, then he flies off, and he’s blocking the castle the whole fucking time. I’d rather see the castle, but thanks. And then somehow 10 seconds later when you arrive at the train platform he’s standing there, waving at you, with his dog. Magic!
The hit-and-miss rides
I should talk about the rides. The Gringotts ride is bizarre. It’s more of the same that’s on the Hogwarts Express. It starts off with Bellatrix Lestrange trying to electrocute you. Then later Voldemort himself shows up and asks us if we’ve seen Harry Potter, because he knows Harry is here. Then Voldemort casts a spell at us, a huge fireball or something, that propels us further into the ride. Nagini shows up to bite at us. (All of this, projections.) Then at the end Harry, Hermione and Ron are there and maybe they help us escape, I can’t remember. I was just shocked that anyone thought it would be a good idea to (1) put Voldemort in a theme park ride and (2) have him cast a spell at us that misses.
The ride in the Hogwarts castle is much better. I mean, at the end Harry, Hermione and Ron are there with a whole crowd cheering at us, saying we did a good job at something-or-another, and then in the next screen Dumbledore is standing there with a crowd, thanking us for visiting Hogwarts… and I’m thinking, Dumbledore has time for this? It’s not as bad as Voldemort attacking us, to be sure. And there were several run-ins with actual, physical Dementor-looking bodies, so A+ for making me feel like I’m in the space with these things.
And then the shops
The shops were the best part, my favorite part, especially Borgin and Burkes in Knockturn Alley. But dear God everything was overpriced. There was a Tom Marvolo Riddle diary that I liked, and I was even willing to overlook the fact that it said Tom Marvolo Riddle on the diary (which it clearly does not and cannot in the books) but it was something like $35? No thanks.
In the end, I bought a candy jar that says “Honeydukes” and some candy to go in it, and it was all of $13 and I really like the subtlety of it.
All the rest of it
I’ll tell you about one awkward moment where I misread the situation. It was towards the end of the day and we were all tired. We were approaching the castle (for the 2nd time) and the Beauxbatons and Durmstrangs were out there, just standing there, for you to take pictures with them. And my friend asked me, “Do you want to get a picture with them?” and I replied, “I’ll take a picture of you with them.” The 3rd friend in our party laughed at that, like in a way that intoned I was being harsh. I meant it as a pleasant, no, I don’t want a picture with them but I’ll facilitate your enjoyment. But looking back I think she wanted me to enjoy it. So that’s unfortunate. And she was a little nitpicky about Epcot the next day. I don’t think it was personal; I think she just doesn’t like Disney World and I guess I just don’t like the Harry Potter stuff at Universal.
(There was this one ride at Universal I went nuts for called Poseidon’s Fury, which was so perfectly cheesy and earnest and Greek mythology and well-themed and might be one of the most exciting moments of my life, but that’s beyond the scope of this post.)
The “students” were just standing here like this, no interaction at all. You know how those students are in the movies and books? They would never stand for pictures with Americans. They would grumble about it. So like, is it the costumes that are supposed to impress me? Or just having a cool picture for later? I’m… I’m good.
The next day at Epcot I stood in line to meet Alice (of Alice in Wonderland) and she was delightful and we had a conversation about disappearing pathways and croquet technique. Alice in Wonderland is far from my favorite Disney movie but I will take that kind of actual interaction over a photo any day.
When we left the area that night, one of the workers (in Hogwarts robes) was waving goodbye and he said, “Goodnight, muggles! Thank you for visiting!” and I said under my breath, “I’m not a muggle, I’m a nomaj.”
That was a joke, obviously, but the kernel of truth is it should be the rare fan that has more attention to detail than the designers of a park area.
Things I liked:
- Eating at the Three Broomsticks in Diagon Alley
- The stout at the Three Broomsticks
- This lavender and earl grey ice cream at the ice cream parlor
- The vanishing cabinet at Borgin and Burkes that had a bird singing inside
- The choir of shriveled heads in Knockturn Alley
- The knight bus and the conductor’s interaction with guests
- The lady at Honeydukes wished me Merry Christmas, which is HP accurate so they can do that
- The talking paintings inside Hogwarts
- The lady who wished us a good school year after we got off the Hogwarts Express
- The thousands of beautiful details in Diagon Alley
- The Universal worker in Seuss Landing who commended my friend for carrying her wand because “You-Know-Who could be anywhere.”
