I use money to hate myself

I wish I could have a happier life. I am so often wracked with worry and self-hatred. I give myself goals and then I feel like shit when I don’t reach them, and give myself no credit for half-reaching them.

For instance, I have it written in my daytimer calendar that I should be saving $300/month and putting $450/month in an IRA. Each month I have an amount that should be in my savings account. Well, I was supposed to have $1200 saved at the end of August and I’ll be $600 behind that now. So I feel like shit. I feel anxious, antsy, on edge. Like doom is about to strike and I had every reason to be prepared and now I’m not prepared so I deserve what’s coming.

There are reasons that I wasn’t able to save as much as I anticipated, yet I still hold myself to a standard I arrived upon when I didn’t know those facts.

• I didn’t know I’d be vacationing in October, a very modest vacation financially, but nevertheless that is an expense that had to be paid off at the time of booking.
• I didn’t know my brother’s wedding weekend would cost me about $1000. I was thinking $500.
• The $700 expense I don’t feel like sharing because I get defensive about it, because at the end of the day it was optional. It sounds like plastic surgery now hahaha.

All the while I’m aware that I’m incredibly lucky to even be in a position where I’m on track to max out my IRA this year. That fact makes me (1) feel a little better and (2) feel like crap for being disappointed instead of being grateful.

Yes, I don’t even let myself have these thoughts and feelings cleanly. As though if I don’t punish myself enough someone else will.

I really like this video Lisa posted yesterday. Perfect timing. I want to share it in case it helps any of you. The video is not about money, but it has helped me understand that I have a lot of shame. Money is probably one of the things I am ashamed about because money was a family secret… we didn’t talk about it, and it didn’t feel safe to talk to anyone else about it. We pretended like we did not have money, like we had to be super careful, a charade my mom continues to this day.

I gotta break that somehow.