I don’t have any dating advice

I have lots of dating advice

Those articles floating around about “date a girl who whatevers” or “don’t date a girl who whatevers” are driving me a little bit berserk.

I don’t presume to know anything about what you want or need.

I’m great at giving advice, it turns out. I seriously do NOT practice what I preach in a variety of arenas and I hardly ever do anything that makes anything easier on myself. But when I listen with my whole self to someone I know, I’m good at distilling the situation and saying something meaningful, with ideas if that’s what the person’s looking for.

But I don’t know you — or at least, as I write this, I don’t know whether I know you. And so I’m not going to tell you whom to date.

I will tell you whom I should date, instead, and perhaps it will give you some ideas. I have almost never dated anyone that made any sense, but there’s always next time, so why not give it a shot.

I should date a person who knows how to kiss. Who understands that mouths are not vacuum cleaners, or suction cups, or fountains. Who gets that kissing is an exploration and a connection, and not a means to an end.

I should date someone with an incredible brain. The kind of brain you want to dive into headfirst and explore (am I the only one who wishes I could do this?). I want to have winding conversations about thoughts and ideas and come up with weird solutions to complicated problems that may never go anywhere but make us think that together we could do anything.

I should date someone who is on my side. I want a teammate, a true partner, someone who will back me up every time, who wants me to be first in line to back them up every time, too.

I should date someone who drinks. Mostly because I like drinking, and I’d seriously annoy someone who doesn’t.

And I should date someone who’s going to be nice to me. Because I won’t survive another relationship with someone mean. Which, at this point, means I will get the hell out at the first sign things are going south. So yeah, kindness is key.

Make your own lists, and if you try to stick to yours, I’ll try to stick to mine. I want us all to be happy and I know it takes different things for each of us. Do we have a deal?