35 on 35
An obnoxiously prescriptive tip list, gleaned from thirty-five years of taking showers with my socks on.
- I could be Tavi Gevinson’s mother.
2. Not having the energy to explore all the new emoji does not make me old. Being over fifteen makes me old.
3. I interviewed Nora Ephron a few years ago because I wanted her to expound on her “put a bikini on and don’t take it off until you’re 34” line. Respectful amendment: Put on whatever the F you want.
4. I hate prescriptive lists.
5. Especially those cloying ones written to younger selves.
6.
7. Younger self, you really should have bought grandma the cigarettes when she asked you to.
8. You should not have spent all that time doing really unbearable community musical theatre.
9. I forgive you.
10. Segues are utterly useless. Never use the phrase, “For his part.”
11. You can put almost anything in a smoothie except molasses and steel wool.
12.
13. Do not stand in front of large speakers at loud clubs.
14. Automatic savings.
15. No bread after four PM and you will generally feel pretty good.
16.
17. Everyone already knows that moist is the grossest word.
18. French vanilla cappuccinos are never a good idea.
19. Learn how to take naps.
20. Always jump in the lake.
21. You really only need to read one book by Haruki Murakami to get the drift.
22.
23. Don’t make fun of people who make fun of people who like cupcakes, because then you’re no better.
24. Do make fun of cake pops.
25. Don’t judge people who are older than you, thinking you’ll be so much smarter/richer/fitter/more together when you’re their age.
26. Nobody is old. Just wizened. But only if it’s pronounced wizzened.
27. Wizz.
28. End.
29. No one ever wants to hear about your dream.
30. Ever ever ever.
31. Spell cheque.
32. No matter how much you floss, the dental hygienist will always give you that smug look that makes you feel like a lying bag of twerp.
33. The optimal number of people for a dinner party is six.
34. Regret is a useless emotion. Except you really should have ordered the club sandwich.
35.
