How to answer questions you really wish hadn’t been asked.
When you get served with awkwardness, sometimes you’ve just got to volley it back.
Q: “So, when are you getting married?”
Maybe you’re not okay with getting married yet or maybe ever. Maybe you’re single, and damn, that question stings. Maybe you have boundaries.
A: “Look, a squirrel!”
Q: Can I touch your hair?
This is either racist, or your wig is crooked, or both.
A: “What hair? I waxed it all off.”
Q: “What’s your relationship with Jesus?”
Oh dear. This cannot end well, even if you and Jesus are blood brothers and go to AA meetings together.
A: “We’re friends with benefits. And I think I left my oven on.”
Q: “Do you think she’s pretty?”
You’ve been caught looking! Beware: this is always a trick question. Dodge! Dodge!
A: “Only in a can’t-look-away-from-the-trainwreck kind of way. Want to get dinner?”
Q: “Do you have a minute to talk about saving the world?”
Human spam with clipboards: this is a sign of a terrible economy where people resort to harassing others on the street for a paycheck.
A: Say nothing, walk quickly away while avoiding eye contact.
Q: “When are you going to have a baby?”
Some people just aren’t into generating kids, thanks. Some people are infertile. Others would rather dig their own uterus out of their body with a plastic spork than have a kid.
A: “Maybe for lunch tomorrow? I have a new marinade recipe I’ve been wanting to try.”
Q: “Are you going to eat that?”
Huh, fatty? Are you?
A: “Yes, and quickly, before gangs of starving children arrive and try to fight me for it!”
Q: “Are those real?”
Only drunk people ask this.
A: “Nope. You’re imagining them. Look, a squirrel!”