I have a theory. It is not a popular theory and doesn’t actually express the way I feel about certain applicable subject matter within the theory. Yet, as a cynic and a realist I can’t help but contemplate the possibility that my theory — however detrimental to my own psyche it is — will come to fruition before my timely death. I’ve expressed this theory in sound bites on Twitter and other social outlets. Most of the time people write it off as sarcasm or just me being absolutely drop dead hilarious. While that may be true, there is some unfortunate truth to it. 

You may be wondering what the theory is. Is it about feminism? Is it about GMO’s or breastfeeding? All the current hot topics — perhaps another LGBT diatribe? While those are all logical and predictable guesses, and they do factor in to the overall encompassing ideal that factors into my theory, they are not exact points of interest. No, my theory might take certain considerations of current hot topics, but certainly hangs loosely on a higher shelf than can be fathomed with just one topic of conversation. 

What is interesting about a theory is that it is just that. It is not a strict opinion, it is subject to change based on evidence provided. Science is rooted in theory, which leads to realization and discovery and fact. While I have no intention of leading to fact, and frankly hope that my theory is dead wrong, it is generally a welcome side effect of an efficient theory. Yet, theorizing in itself can be as complex as it is mundane. Many people believe they have theories, yet they simply have momentary opinions that are rarely repeated. I prefer to study, to observe and to stuff my theories with as much substantial evidence as humanly possible.

Which brings me to our perception of theories. Mentioning humanity in any context — especially that of the thinking variety — can be a slippery slope. We all process information differently, and theories can easily be misconstrued as true feelings and certainty. While I generally appreciate the vote of confidence in my theorizing ability, the truth is that with most theories I have no emotional attachment to the subject matter. Frankly, having emotional attachment to the meat and potatoes of any theory would cause an immediate bias and grounds for dismissal. When we write theories based on humanity, or related to humanity we have to consider the effect that the theory might have on the human condition. The brain is a tricky animal and certain ideas and suggestions trigger an immediate and highly emotional response. 

Human beings, while generally the most intelligent species on the planet, are also the stupidest species on the planet. It is due to this higher level of information processing that creates intellectual bigotry due to a base ignorance and indoctrination of ideals. While our brains have the ability to process and deduce the world for each one of us in a completely different way than the person next to us, they also have the ability to become nothing more than flaccid lumps of clay. These lumps of clay are molded into something other than an individual processing center, becoming part of a group mentality — a group that usually attacks theories without consideration that the theory is simply an observation with educated research behind it. This antagonization of amalgamated intelligence and ignorance is something I prefer to avoid when I present my theories. 

While I’d like to think that my theory will transcend any bias or immediate emotional response, I simply know that isn’t true. Kids are coming out of college programmed to not only question everything, but assume that the world has become a self-serving artifact of eponymous and trans-gendered automation built to accommodate them. This simply isn’t true — they’ll soon learn they have to work for what they believe in — but it does present certain setbacks when presenting new theories. You first have to win over the old hats, and then you have to win over the new hats at the same time. That, when presenting a new theory, can be daunting to say the least. 

So you’ll understand if my theory is tailored in a way that can not only demand a certain respectful distance from general bias, but also maintain a healthy relationship with the intelligence and comprehension of multiple generations of thinkers. This creates a healthy and positive discussion, rather than an immediate bloated hatred rife with emotional and reactionary blistered opinion. Think about it like getting a sunburn. You cannot be pissed at the sun for glowing hot right? This is the source of all life on Earth — it was your responsibility to protect yourself with foresight. In this scenario, clearly, I am the sun. Put on your mental sunscreen. 

Our attention spans wane, which is why I must be careful about how I spin this particular theory. Your comprehension is a problem for me. As the reader you have a responsibility to the writer, or in this case — the presenter of a possibly controversial and mind bending theory. There is no paradigm for this theory, there are no preconceived notions or standards of thought for this one-of-a-kind break in human evolution. Every moment in your life has led you to this moment. How you react to the next moment is up to you. You can either proceed with intelligent and rational thought or gear yourself up for a disastrous and less than imaginative destruction of the possibility of advanced thinking beyond your current perspective. It is completely up to you. 

My theory has to do with everything and nothing all at once. My goal is not to completely break down your perceptions of the world around you, rather to open your mind to the possibility that your perceptions have been walking a straight line for much too long. The path is varied my friends, there are many ways for your mind to travel. It is important that you prepare yourself for abstract thinking. Sloths are the new kittens. The angles are obtuse, the theory is acute and now I’m talking about triangles. If you’ve made it this far, you don’t give a shit about triangles. Of course, similar to my theory — calculating angles can be a complete mind fuck.

Geometry is important. Welcome to the new reality.