Have you fought yet?
Conflict; Don’t avoid it, get over it, and fight again!
I’ve never been afraid of conflict, but looking back over my career I realize I never really used it constructively, or even really understood that it was the quiet unspoken conflict that made me press the snooze button some mornings.To be honest, I take things personally, so confrontation is something I’ve struggled to approach calmly. I think I’ve finally figured out that avoiding conflict is what often makes it personal, what builds them up for big explosions that result in unproductive arguments that don’t solve the issues they stem from.
After working at quite a few great agencies and getting experience both as a designer, developer, and manager, I decided it was time for the next step, to go it on my own. Starting a company is a really terrifying task for those of us who have seen our direct deposits magically appear every couple weeks for more than a decade. Being a “freelancer” didn’t really appeal to me, I wanted to start a company, and for some reason that just means more than one person to me, though I know that doesn’t have to be the case. I was pretty excited to find out my best friend, who I managed to hire onto my team, was down to co-found a company together, and so we did.
About six months into starting Impossible Bureau in the midst of having two very high profile projects in the works it happened. We got upset. It wasn’t uncivilized, but it was heated, and definitely wasn’t comfortable. My business partner and I had never really spoken to each other like this. It was clear there were underlying issues, ones that would only show their faces while we were on opposite sides of the planet and working long hard hours.
It was terrifying really, I felt immediately worried about the future of Impossible Bureau, just when our future was looking quite bright. It’s not like it was an all out feud, but if we couldn’t figure out how to put this bump in the road behind us and focus on the problems at hand quickly, we might be in big trouble. Worse, we needed each other’s help to get through the projects at hand so there was no real opportunity to just ignore the problem.
I’m sure most first time business owners doubt themselves and their own success plenty, but I always assumed our downfall would be a lack of work, not too much of it, and certainly not the very core of it, our partnership.
It wasn’t long before the temperature of the argument cooled off a bit and we were able to figure out it was a miscommunication. It wasn’t that my business partner wasn’t willing to help out, it was his perception I was ordering him to. Infact I was desperate for the help, and had spent the past several days avoiding it hoping to spare him the joys of hunting down some less than inspiring software bugs. Those days of trying not to ask for help put us in an even worse situation, but in the end we fought through it and both projects went on to launch successfully.
A month later over a beer and some burgers with a friend who’d set out on a similar journey a couple years ahead of us to co-found Rally Interactive asked us how things were going. Of course we sincerely answered that it was going really well. Our friend who had a few more gray hairs than us saw through these answers, and asked an important question that has stuck with me since, “Have you fought yet?”. At the time it was a question more to make fun of the quarrels he knew would have to happen, ones that had happened plenty between he and his partners - a lot like asking a recently married couple if they’d fought yet I suppose.
Conflict can be really uncomfortable, and most of us tend to avoid it, sometimes at the cost of a project’s ultimate success.
All too often, seeming civilized on the surface is the only way we know how to function and we end up glossing over glaring issues. Ultimately, these get-a-long habits create barriers, and great ideas go unsaid or unheard. We get caught up in the direction a group is heading and don’t accept that even if we don’t agree on something, we can gain insight into each other’s perspective and ideas just from being open minded.
Looking back at the many jobs I’ve had, I realize a lot of the issues stemmed from myself and others not being able to openly, freely, have an opinion about things without having to seem like that guy who just won’t go with the flow. The thing is, people with opinions are engaged, they’re interested in the success of the project and the work they’re doing - if they didn’t care, they wouldn’t have an opinion to keep to themselves in the first place. Inhibiting people to have these opinions, and voice them, is effectively forcing people to disengage. The best teams work together to do something great, so it is counter-intuitive to encourage disagreement, but I think that is one of the keys to having a group of people all engage heavily and really dig in.
Another side-effect of a conflict friendly environment is that decisions can take a while to make, so the chemistry of a team is important, and the priorities of a project need to be clear to everyone in order to ensure arguments over trivial issues aren’t taking away from the bigger picture. Ultimately the key ingredient to productive conflict is respect - and if you’re lucky enough to work in an environment where conflicts are communicated from well informed and intelligent perspectives, you’ll likely be in an environment where everyone has a lot of respect for each other. I’ve seen a few companies claim that big ideas can come from anywhere, but in reality people don’t ask janitors for a brilliant line of copy - but if everyone feels respected no matter their position, they’ll likely let someone know if they have a great idea.
Another side-effect of a conflict friendly environment is that decisions can take a while to make
Back to Impossible Bureau, we’re now five passionate professionals who have all worked together for years. It may not last forever, but we’re all personal friends as well, who get along great both on and off the field. I almost worry we get along too well sometimes, but I find if we don’t find something to argue about it means we’re not talking enough. That said, our conversations, agreements, and disagreements alike have grown far more constructive and informative. To all those also setting out on their own, or in a position to really affect the culture of the people you work with (read everyone), I’d like to repeat my friend’s great question: Have you fought yet?
