Crazy is as crazy does.
Why you can never plan for a Social Media Crisis.
If you work in Social Media and you’ve never dealt with a crisis of any scale, start praying to Steve Jobs you never have to.
Invariably one will rear its head at 3am, on a weekend, when you’re hungover or unwell, on leave (or when the entire senior management is) or when the only device you’re near is a smartphone (which if you’ve ever managed a crisis on, you’ll know is good for hitting the ban button… and that’s about it). If you’re really lucky you’ll strike one when the stars are aligned, and all of the above is occurring.
In a previous lifetime, I worked for a big youth travel company. In 2 years with them I contended with volcanoes, earthquakes, floods, riots, fires, tornados, death (sadly), a crash… and my personal ‘favourite’, getting a Facebook-approved campaign shut down when they changed their promo guidelines midway through. Restarting voting 3 times was awesome (bet those individuals’ friends loved being spammed not once, not twice, but thrice!). So was rebuilding the app out of the Facebook environment and 4am conference calls with developers. (A few things I learned from that campaign… 1. Never trust Facebook when they say something’s approved. 2. Always ask when medication was last taken if someone suggests a voting mechanic for your next campaign. And 3. You can still make the Facebook Studio gallery of awesome campaigns even when they shut you down!).
I also help look after a community of grown woman who like a particular boy band. I’ve seen what hormones can do. Throw thousands of women and the odd guy together and sometimes it’s just not pretty.
So here’s where I debunk the greatest myth around Social Media of all time. Take particular note.
You don’t need a plan when a crisis happens. No, really.
Sure, you need a vague idea. Like how to get in touch with your CEO when they’re snuggled up in bed with their tartan slippers watching re-runs of Mork & Mindy. Or what template you should start filling in to write an update for crisis type #51. Yes you need a sixth sense to spot when a simple question about apples is about to turn into Chernobyl, and it goes without saying only sensible people should be anywhere near your Social Networks if the proverbial is hitting the fan.
But as much as you think you know about crisis management, there will come a time when you may as well take that plan, set fire to it and watch the ashes drift to earth as you reminisce about how many hours it took you to write it in the first place when you had a long list to China of other things you had to do.
Why don’t you need a plan?
Because some people are crazy. Not just batshit crazy. Or “Leave Britney Alone” crazy. (OK, and even boy band crazy). I mean warp factor 9, off the scale “not even a mental illness could explain it” crazy.
And when you have that level of crazy, and that level of crazy is creating a crisis, you have little to no chance of being able to stick to a plan.
You can’t reason with crazy. Crazy is deluded. Crazy is irrational. Crazy has crazy friends in all corners of the planet who know jack about your brand and where you’re based, and in many cases even less about the crazy cause they’re promoting. Crazy are conspiracy theorists. Crazy think they’ve made their own laws on behalf of every being on the planet (if I were only kidding on this point). Crazy don’t recognise real laws and try to bamboozle you with legal definitions with key points and parts of words highlighted in CAPS (because saying it in CAPS doesn’t mean the same thing as if you typed it normally). Crazy will threaten to come after you if you don’t agree with their movement and will post your contact details on any crazy forum they have.
Most importantly, crazy will say the dumbest shit even Stephen Hawking couldn’t comprehend. And even if you think you’ve understood it, invariably any response you might want to make will prompt even dumber shit that makes you wonder how they’re able to breathe without medical intervention. But you should feel the love in the room because they’ll sign it off with love and blessings.
That’s why you can never be the good little Social Media boy (or girl) scout you thought you were.
And THAT’s why if you ever see crazy coming, run. Put up a “Back in a week” sign, cash in your savings and book the next flight out. Because there is a giant rip in their tin foil hat, and several crop circles have already been carved into their brain.
I now work for a small corporate that shouldn’t have even been a blip on the radar 5 miles offshore. But crazy had a way of finding us. And if they can find us, you can bet they can find you.
So here’s some hindsight advice… turn it into your ‘plan’ if you will…
- Remember this phrase (lock it away in your brain until you need it). “Mumbo jumbo word salad”. If anything looks like the very definition of this, congratulations, crazy just found you too.
- Hide it. Delete it. Ban the user. They’ll cry foul but if you give in, they’ll be in your bed before you know it and you’ll be waking up to them pissing the bed.
- Don’t respond. Even if it’s to have a right of reply. Fight the urge.
- They will post. And post. And post. As fast as you’re deleting or banning, there’s a new post. Blogs and videos and photos and love and light. Emails and letters too. If they can’t post, they’ll get their crazy friends to post. Or they’ll create a new profile. You might even get thanked for supporting or agreeing with their bollocksy cause.
- Use the Facebook word filter. You will need it! (Bless the good lord Zuckerberg for that feature)
- Do not follow the links they post. Your head will explode with ‘knowledge’ that shouldn’t be taking up space in your brain cavity (and that’s why I’m not inflicting you with the ‘cause’ we experienced).
- Don’t believe a word of the drivel. Laws they say they’ve created are not law. Not in the US where they originate. And certainly not anywhere else in the world. If you work for a bank or government or police enforcement, you and every other regime have not been foreclosed. They’re still operating just as before. The same terms and contracts and laws apply, and there is no magic pot of $10 billion for every being on the planet they’ll tell you there is.
- Screencap anything and everything that is or could be volatile.
- Don’t give them your name. Ever. First, last. It doesn’t matter. Once they have your name, they can find you.
- Don’t ever discount a full moon. If you see one in the sky, get inside and under your covers, turn off your phone and HIDE! That’s when they all come out to play.
- Do not dismiss these people as everyday crazy. Sure, some are harmless, however some are not. Crazy do not function like normal people so if you are, or feel, threatened, use all available avenues to ensure your safety. Tell your boss. Contact the Police. Get in touch with the Social Networks directly (if you can find a contact, use it).
- And lastly, swearing helps. Unless you work with a mormon, in which case try to swear quietly.
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