Crunchy Peanut Butter Lovers
you are all living life wrong.
Allow me to start off by saying that I have a habit of going through people’s refrigerators the first time I go over to their house. I am not trying to be rude by doing so, it is just that I feel you can truly understand a person by looking at their food. After all, we are what we eat.
With that said… When I go over to a new friends house for the first time I check out their peanut butter and ice cream choice. The ice cream is because I am an addict, but we will cover that another day.
Now let me lay down some Shana Logic for you:
If I find peanut butter in your fridge I automatically feel there is a possibility our friendship will not work out. This is not where peanut butter should be placed and it leads me to wonder what else in your life you are doing wrong. When you put peanut butter in the fridge it becomes hard and cold. How the hell do you spread solid peanut butter on a slice of bread? YOU CANNOT!!!! Or at least not in a way that would make me want to eat whatever contraption you claim to be a sandwich.
If you have peanut butter in your pantry we can be friends; however, another determining factor in our friendship is whether or not it is smooth or crunchy peanut butter. There is something un-trust worthy about crunchy peanut butter. I’m sure it is healthier for you, yet with all those extra chunks of peanuts I just assume that you are as lazy as whoever did a half ass job at making the jar of peanut butter and got bored in the process and said “Fuck it, we will just slap on a label that says ‘Crunchy’ and some idiot might enjoy it.” If I wanted to eat peanuts I would buy a bag from the grocery store and go to a baseball game.
With all of this said if you are that RARE “human being”, or whatever you try and call yourself, who not only puts peanut butter in the fridge, but if that peanut butter is CRUNCHY… well then… there is just no hope for you or for us. I automatically come to the conclusion you are an un-trust worthy lazy psychopath.
For those of you who place their peanut butter in the pantry and it is smooth… YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT!!! Five golden stars for you and there is a chance we might end up getting married one day.
Yes, that is correct, I take my peanut butter seriously and so should you.
