Dear incoming work neighbor: 

Welcome! Please take notes.

I like to be interrupted thrice daily with delightful banter. Props are encouraged. Please time these interludes well.

When I say, “If you need anything, just ask,” I’m being politely facetious.


Phone on vibrate only.

When it comes to office supplies, mi casa es su casa! Except for paper clips, scissors (especially scissors), hiliters, good pens and any kind of paper. Post-Its and shitty pens are all yours.

I’m not a big fan of lots of ups and downs. How often does one need to pee? (Seems like a moral failing, IMHO.)

If you come to work sick, I will kill you.

If you mention your children, partner, siblings, parents, neighbor or pet, please make it a very funny or tragic story only. No ongoing updates.

In a fire drill or other emergency, you must know what to do. I can’t be bothered with all that, so I’m following you. You just went through orientation. Work it.

I don’t care about your sports team. I will root against them.

At holiday time, let’s keep things classy with any potential decorations. Please provide a mockup before any kind of installation.

Humming and whistling are strictly forbidden.

If you regularly wear any kind of scent at all, I’ll need to have full veto power.

You should probably also heed my advice on hairstyles.

I’d appreciate it if you always have gum, WITH sugar, in plentiful supply.

Well, I think that’s it! Can’t wait to meet you!

Please be here by 8.