Don’t Date the LinkedIn Girl

Maybe it’s from working in social too long, or maybe it’s from listening to my guy friends go on and on about dating in today’s digital world… but I find myself grouping women into 1 of 6 categories:

Facebook Girl: The Annoying One. She always gives you advice on what to wear, where to eat, who to talk to… especially when you don’t ask for it. She loves trying to sell you sh*t you don’t want, like ‘organic dirt’ or ‘portable watermelon coolers’, and you’ve never had the heart to tell her how much you dislike everything she says.

Twitter Girl: The Type A b*tch. Usually a narcissist with a short attention span. This girl thinks she has way more friends than she really does and has an opinion on everything. She constantly talks about herself, rarely listens to what you say and always needs to get the last word in. Oh, and she’s always right. Don’t even bother trying to debate that.

G+ Girl: The Nerd. Two words define this girl - Comeback Kid. Having been overlooked and underestimated all through high school, she came back with a vengeance and grew up to be a hot and smart woman. She’s an observer, always two steps ahead, and fairly modest. Men will never know her full hand. This girl would rather geek out at tech gadgets and videogames than read Twilight.

LinkedIn Girl: The User. This girl only dates for personal gain. She’s usually hot, too young for you and exhibits little to no appreciation for hard work. She’ll tell you what you want to hear and won’t care enough to get to know the real you. She’ll come into your life, bleed you dry and take everything from you after the divorce. Too good to be true? It probably is.

Instagram Girl: The Dumb One. If you’re shallow and don’t care about intelligence, this is the one for you. This girl spends more time putting on makeup and looking at her own face than learning anything of importance. Novels to her are Cosmo, People, and The Enquirer. She’s an empty shell, but will always be your biggest fan and cheerleader - but only because she just doesn’t know any better.

Mobile App Girl: The Best Friend. She’s sweet, helpful, and always there for you. Whenever you need something, she’s the first person you think of. This girl isn’t always up to date, is easily overwhelmed and often shuts down when trying to multi-task. She never cares about what other people think or say about her and is just interested in ‘doing her own thing’.

Yelp Girl: The Obnoxious One. This girl is extremely opinionated, judgemental and talks trash about everyone she meets. She’s pretends to be friendly but always has a hidden agenda. She loves interrupting people when they’re speaking and will backstab friends just for shiggles. This girl is the unattractive version of Regina George. And way less pleasant.

Craigslist Girl: The Lady of the Night. And I don’t mean Catwoman.This girl has ‘predator’ written all over her. If you’re considering her, you know what you’re getting into. There’s nothing more anyone can say to help you. Period.

Ladies — which one are you?

Gents — which one are you dating/trying to date?

For more of my rants, go here.

P.S. If Facebook and Twitter had a baby, it would be #Like