The Book of Eli, 2010

Hollywood’s Guide To The Government Shutdown

The United States government shut down at 12am this morning. Surely this is the beginning of the era Postus Apocalyptus. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that the government shutdown will mean:

1. New clothing will be scarce; be sure to stock up on tattered denim and random bits of football gear. (Mad Max)
2. The potential for a large-scale outbreak has increased exponentially. Pick your poison — will it be a zombie outbreak that claims you and your family or a random virus that takes away your vision? (28 Days Later; Blindness)
3. Kevin Costner will rage a war to make sure that, no matter the cost, our mail gets to us. He will instill hope in all of us and bring out the best in humanity. (The Postman)
4. A higher number of nomadic men will set out on missions to save the world: one will have the last known copy of the The Bible; one will be traveling with his son just trying to make it to the ocean; and one will be fighting monsters in midtown Manhattan. (The Book Of Eli; The Road; I Am Legend)
5. Due to our ongoing federal government shutdown, states will band together to form 13 districts. When the new federal government emerges and destroys rebellious District 13, we will be forced to send 2 tributes, one male and one female, from each district to fight to the death. One teenaged-girl will save us all. (The Hunger Games)
6. Mankind will be forced to fight against the most dreaded foes of all: Robots. (Terminator Salvation)
7. Eventually, the US of A will be nothing more than a wasteland of trash, as we overweight Americans flee to space. Good thing we will leave robots behind to clean the planet. (WALL-E)
8. The rich will still live a life of luxury and use their wealth to: build a utopia that orbits above the earth; or turn them into a currency that the rich control. (Elysium; In Time)
9. Or, we will just wait patiently and prod our officials to work together to come to a bi-partisan solution and restart the government. Sadly, this scenario seems more unlikely than any movie.