How to Apologize

So here you are. You did a thing, and someone got hurt, and that someone may or may not be upset with you, justifiably or not. How do you come to terms?

Do you need to apologize? Or just explain?

Let’s first start with determining whether or not an apology is warranted at all for that thing you did.

Could that thing you did have been perceived as rude or have been hurtful to another party?

No: you probably don’t need to apologize. Yay!

Yes: next question.

Were there perceived or actual alternative actions that you might have taken other than that thing you did, or was that thing you did actually a rational choice made due to a Circumstance Actually Beyond Your Control(CABYC)?

(CABYCs include but are not limited to: death (of yourself or someone close to you either personally or spatially), felonies committed of which you were a victim, something at your job came up that you either had to take care of or be fired, random acts of “God” such as hurricanes or earthquakes or spider bites, a mischievous ghost temporarily took control of your body, grievous bodily injury (of yourself or someone close to you either personally or spatially), sudden instantaneous amnesia, accidental time-travel, falling into a spontaneous sink hole, etc.

CBYCs do not include: something more interesting came up, you saw a baby and got distracted, those shoes aren't going to buy themselves, adults you barely know started to show signs of inebriation and “needed” a chaperon, you suddenly needed to wash your hair, you got really drunk, you got really high, you failed to notice the water in the cup before you accidentally splashed it all over someone (accidents don’t necessarily render you blameless), you forgot to eat your apple a day, etc.)

You did that thing you did because of a CABYC: you may not need to apologize profusely, but you definitely need to explain what happened to the injured party, who may not know about that ghost that took control of you and made you slap them. Actually, if that’s actually what happened, you should probably just apologize.

You did that thing you did because you make poor choices sometimes: You need to apologize, profusely, for real. But first, learn how not to apologize.

How Not to Apologize

“I’m really sorry, BUT…”: Here’s the main rookie/fake apologizer mistake - if you end any statement with BUT you’d better be naming a Circumstance Actually Beyond Your Control or you’re just being disingenuous and lame. A real apology has no buts, no excuses, and no caveats.

Move on to:

How to Apologize For Real

It’s time to compose your apologize. Here’s what to do:

Step One: Admit to yourself that you did something wrong. This is possibly the most important and most difficult step.

Step Two: Take responsibility and admit to the injured party that you did something wrong.

Step Three: Say you’re sorry.

Step Four: Avoid any appearance of making excuses. In other words, make sure the word “but” makes NO appearances anywhere in your apology.

Step Five: Depending on the magnitude of awfulness of that thing you did, apologize again, and maybe again.

Step Six: Offer to do what you can to make it right for the injured party.

Step Seven (optional): Intersperse apology with a little self-deprecating humor.

Possible script: “I’m so so sorry for [that thing I did]. Somehow I allowed myself to be swept up in the nonsense at [that place I was] and I made the poor, inexcusable choice of [doing that thing I did]. For some inexplicable reason that defies the sobering rationality of daylight, I decided that I needed to [do that thing I did]. It was incredibly rude of me to [injure you by doing that thing I did], and I do really apologize. {Acknowledge that the injured party did not deserve to be on the receiving end of your nonsense.} You do not deserve to be treated in such a cavalier way, and I’d like to [make it up to you somehow - go into specifics], but I would completely understand if you just wanted to call it a day and cease communication at this embarrassing juncture. Again, I truly am sorry. I’m an idiot sometimes. [Optional flourish: Insert some self-deprecating humor]”

For Example

A sincere apology might read like this:

“I’m so so sorry for abandoning you at the presentation. Somehow I allowed myself to be swept up in the nonsense at a never-ending happy hour and I made the poor, inexcusable choice of leaving you to fend for yourself, without my half of the information, in front of our entire class. For some inexplicable reason that defies the sobering rationality of daylight, I decided that I needed to play chaperon to fully-grown, adult acquaintances the moment they started showing signs of inebriation. It was incredibly rude of me to leave you to ad lib the presentation by yourself, and I do really apologize. You really shouldn't have to carry the entire weight of the project. You do not deserve to be treated in such a cavalier way, and I’d like to maybe try to make it up to you by taking on the next project, but I would completely understand if you just wanted to call it a day and drop me as a partner at this embarrassing juncture. I will explain to our professor that it was my fault entirely. Again, I truly am sorry. I’m an idiot sometimes.”

Or:

“I’m so so sorry for paying more attention to my phone than you during dinner last night. Somehow I allowed myself to be swept up in the nonsense of dealing with nonessential texts and emails and social media posts and I made the poor, inexcusable choice of blowing you off. For some inexplicable reason that defies the squeaky clean rationality of daylight, I decided that my phone was in dire need of attention or it would lose its smartness. It was incredibly rude of me to do that, and I do really apologize. I know you have better things to do than sit around watching me tap at my phone. You do not deserve to be treated in such a cavalier way, and I’d like to maybe try to reschedule dinner in the near future, but I would completely understand if you just wanted to call it a day and cease communication at this embarrassing juncture. Again, I truly am sorry. I’m an idiot sometimes. I know, I know, it was a little early for such a revelation, but alas. I’m an idiot sometimes. (But not terribly often, I swear!)”

Just remember to be sincere

No excuses or hints at trying to pass off the decisions made as remotely reasonable or in any way excusable. You made your choices, for whatever reason, and those choices were hurtful to someone else. Alternative actions and choices remained open to you and were ignored. For that you need to take responsibility and apologize, for real.

We are all idiots sometimes and do ridiculous things. None of us are blameless and beyond reproach in every action we take. (I certainly can be slow on the uptake of responsibility for my own mistakes.) The only thing to do after such less than stellar choices and actions is to own up to them, take responsibility, and apologize, and then hopefully move on. That thing you did is not unforgivable unless forgiveness is never actually requested. (Or unless that thing you did was really heinous. Then it might be unforgivable and require prison time.)