I Hate Unemployment

But I love that I don’t work at my last job

It’s really annoying when people ask what I do and I tell them I’m unemployed and they say “must be nice.”

Just shut your mouth right now. Stop it.

Yeah, I mean, I’m pretty fucking happy that I don’t have to go to my banking job where I have to wipe adult’s buttholes because they’re too lazy to do what little is required of them. Like for instance, fill out a deposit slip, or withdrawal slip. Or shit, take out your ID. What? I shouldn’t need to see your ID while you’re trying to withdrawal $2,000 from your account because you’ve been walking through this building for 5 years? YOU MEAN THIS FUCKING BUILDING KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!? OK, hang on a sec. Let me ask this drywall jazzed up in 90's wall paper if it can ID you so that I can just record that—oh wait, I can’t. Because it’s a fucking. wall.

I always thought my last day at the bank would be me getting so frustrated with a client, I throw my keys down on the table, slap the client across the face, yell: “FUCK THIS. THAT. AND YOU.” and walk out with double birds. Instead, I experienced the blessing of getting laid off.

Not having to deal with that anymore is nice. But you know what’s not nice? Constantly updating your resume, job search engines, networking, and the worst of all; fucking COVER LETTERS. I don’t know how many cover letters you’ve written in your life, but at my ripe age of 28, I know I’ve written enough to sell at a college campus and make a shit ton of money.

Looking for a job is full-time, with overtime. If you think I’m sitting over here, eating ice cream, watching Long Island Medium and crying, you’re partially right. I’ve only done that twice. I still wake up at the same time every morning and get straight on LinkedIn, work on my networking club’s newsletters, emails and social media. I get shit done.

I don’t like being a mooch, and going to the bank to deposit my unemployment wages for my first time felt pretty shitty. No, I’m not going on awesome vacations, or blowing my cash on booze, Jack in the Box, and hookers. I’m being frugal, buying organic fruits and veggies (because I don’t want cancer, or something), and having so much time at the house, I’ve learned to make healthy home cooked meals for my man who comes home from longs days at work. BOOM.

I’m sure I’m one of the few who may make use of my time on unemployment, but for fucks sake, it’s not fun.