I’m a Superficial Bitch 

Or, Why I (and My 30-Something Girlfriends) are Still Hopelessly Single

At a party last night I met the strapping young Italian Ben Affleck look alike who recently took one of my friends on a date. Upon meeting me, the first words that came out of his mouth were “I know which one you are. You’re Jazz Hands!”

You see…after years of being harangued to ‘hurry up and find a man’- 6 of my thirty-something single girlfriends and I have given ourselves a challenge: to date as many men as our age in 3 months and (anonymously under pseudonyms) blog about it. So for me that’s 36 dates, 36 blogs (under the name ‘Jazz Hands’- as picked up on by the Italian).

We’re a month in, and most of our dates have been totally unsuspecting of said date challenge and that we’re writing about them: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/threemonthdatingchallenge except for Italian Ben Affleck…who as a set-up by one of the girls, knew all about it and had fully swotted up on the blog to make sure he would prove the perfect date to be blogged about.

After totally blowing my cover Italian Ben Affleck continued “Yeah,You’re the picky one!”

‘Oh God’ I thought. ‘All my deepest suspicions about myself are now confirmed. And by a total stranger too.’

It just so happens, that one day this week, I’d taken it upon myself to read back through my blog posts and reminisce about my past month of dates. And I had an epiphany:

I am a superficial bitch.

Yep. I’m the picky one.

All the 7 men I dated so far in the challenge were very nice indeed. All pre-planned venues, turned up on time, paid for the entire evening and were considerate and relatively interesting men. And yet, I found fault in all of them. But, not in their behaviour or demeanour or consideration of me, all the qualities that should qualify a good man from a not so good one. But in their appearance. Their looks. Or, to put it bluntly, their lack of good looks:

Date 1 wasn’t the look I normally go for. Date 2 was too short. Date 3 wasn’t quite hot enough. Date 4 was too puny. Date 5 was too fat. Date 6 had unsightly facial hair (otherwise known as a beard). Date 7 was cute but not cute enough. And date 8 upon arrival, I instantly felt was entirely too ugly.

‘Hmmm, that’s curious’, I pondered whilst re-living my harsh descriptions of these men….’the other girls don’t seem as concerned about this looks thing as I am.’ Concerned? Concerned?? Reading my blogs as a volume it appears I’m not just concerned I’m positively obsessed. Obsessed by the notion that these men must embody some Adonis archetype I’m apparently striving for.

Am I really this shallow? Yes. It appears I absolutely am. And if you were a relationship expert reading this right now (or anyone with half a brain) you would conclude that as a goal, perfection may be an impossible one, and one that has perhaps kept me single all these years. Ah….duh….ya think??? Sheesh, its no wonder I can’t freaking find anyone!

And where the hell am I getting this Adonis Complex from in the first place? It’s not like I’m looking for my biological equal. I’m certainly no Heidi Klum. Far far from it. So what the actual f*ck?

If I put on my psychologist hat for a moment and delve, I would surmise that my own abundance of physical imperfections (and believe me, I have a ton) may be the root cause. Am I striving for all the perfection I know I’ll never have? Or could it be genetic? My parents are pretty obsessed with their own looks and other people’s, and my brother has never had a girlfriend either that wasn’t drop dead gorgeous.

And despite all this, I know that the men in my life who I’ve been the most in love with weren’t in the least what you would consider good looking. Yet, I still perpetuate this ridiculous judgementalness. (Is that even a word?) I don’t think it is, but it’s what I suffer from when it comes to men. And it has to STOP!

Being the superficial bitch I am, I just don’t think internet dating or Tinder or anything where you pick a guy based on his looks then make and instant judgement when you see them (in the flesh) based on their looks, will ever work for me. I need the slow burn. I need to be friends with them first. Let them grow on me over time, let me discover I like them, not based on my initial attraction, but on how they make me feel. This is the only thing that’s ever ever worked for me. This is the only way I’ve ever fallen in love.

So what about some of my other single gal pals? If they’re not as concerned about looks as I am, what’s keeping them single? Well….some of them have got a whole other superficiality problem. A superficiality about status problem: the guy doesn’t earn enough, doesn’t have right job, right background, drive the right car, live in the right neighbourhood, didn’t got to the right school etc etc etc….

You see those girls have got a Perfect Man Checklist. (I clearly don’t have that- just raging superficial hormones.)

A checklist of criteria that some future mate must fill is mind-bogglingly narrow thinking. How could any guy possibly stack up? And if, low and behold, he ever does…what about the qualities that really matter: kindness, consideration, sensitivity, a good father, a true partner…..? Those qualities should be what us ladies are looking for. They are they only ones that really matter in the end. How someone will treat you.

But on us ladies go- disqualifying any dude who doesn’t stack up to our ideal……too short, too poor, too working class, too uncultured blah blah blah. And all the while our eggs and (I mean the ovarian kind) are slowly frying up.

Here’s to hoping we get over this superficial madness before we have none left!