The Lives We Wish We Had

What Romantic Work Awaits

I wish I had another life. Scratch that. I wish I had someone else’s life.

Every time I’m working on something, I wonder what it would be like doing something else. Something more interesting, more engaging, more rewarding, more exciting, more … I dunno… just, more.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But how do you know if you never hop over it? I guess you don’t.

But when I’m out there in the world, everything just looks like a better opportunity for a more interesting life. EVERYTHING.

Overnight stock person at a grocery store. I’m sure that’s his second job, and he’s probably tired in the morning, but it’s awfully quiet in the store at night and nobody’s bothering him. The shelves don’t talk back. Seems peaceful.

Bookstore clerk. Hmm. He spends his days helping people find books, talk about books, reading books, selling books? That sure looks like fun.

Music teacher. She comes in, opens up some music she’s pre-selected, proceeds to show me a few things, I practice in front of her for an hour with her correcting mistakes, then fork over $50 and leave. Seems fairly low-maintenance and rewarding.

Police officer. In a perfect world, gets to maintain order so normal people can go to work, raise their families and eat burritos in peace. Worst case scenario, chases bad guys, maybe gets killed and is remembered as a hero. Not a bad tradeoff.

Auto mechanic. So many makes and models of cars, so many different things that can go wrong. Every day is a new adventure. Also a much more complex and scientific job than people realize. You work with your hands and if you’re dirty nobody cares.

Working on ships and boats. You’re always traveling somewhere and seeing something new. The work is hard and hours are long, but most jobs are like that now. What’s more adventurous— the high seas that might literally swell up and swallow you whole or the office walls that only appear to be closing in around you?

Mixologist. The pretentious way of saying bartender, but let’s just go with it. Comes up with tasty new ways to mix alcohol and assists people with having a good time. A serious public servant and a very good friend to have.

DJ. Studies musical trends and cool songs, then plays them at parties so you don’t have to. Worst case scenario, gets stuck playing Pitbull songs at weddings. Best case scenario, gets stuck playing Pitbull songs at music festivals.

Film critic. Gets to watch a lot of movies, gets preferential treatment from Hollywood publicists, gets to be included on Rotten Tomatoes. Also, eats lots of popcorn. Can’t see how this isn’t considered the best job on earth.

Novelist. Sits around imagining things, then writes them down in sequential order, in what is nominally known as a book. Essentially, gets paid to think about stuff. Amazing.

Influencer. Nobody really knows what this person does— odds are they don’t do anything— but they know the right people and brands think what they say is important. Who doesn’t want to be paid to be the guy who knows some other guy?

Barber or hair-stylist. In a world where appearance is 98% of life— the other 2% is breathing— they basically get paid to make people look presentable. A good barber is as indispensable to a grown man as his accountant and lawyer. Imagine feeling that important.

Musician. Plays either cover or original songs with a band or solo. Sometimes plays in an orchestra or maybe works as a session musician. Point is, he/she gets to make musical sounds all day and that is their entire existence.

Working at a hotel. New guests are always arriving and it’s your job to make them feel welcome. Every impression is a first impression. Talk about pressure!

Tenured Professor. Teaches classes but is also well-regarded for his/her academic disposition. Salary + benefits come with the condition that they produce compelling academic research of some sort. In other words, gets paid to study. Best life ever.

Personal Trainer. Helps people maximize their efforts in trying to get in shape and eat properly. Since there might not be anything more important in life than that, this seems fairly rewarding.

Creative Director. At an advertising agency, helps brands figure out how to sell us shit. I know that sounds evil, but really, what products would you buy if left to your own devices? You’d be lost :-/

Actor. This person’s life consists of pretending to be someone else. In that sense, it’s not that much different from real life, except they’re being paid for it.

Obstetrician. The doctor who delivers babies. Did you hear me? This is the doctor who brings human life into the world. There is no type of doctor cooler than that.

Massage therapist. Touches people’s bodies in a way that makes them feel good, and does it without breaking the law. Yes, I know some people’s bodies are disgusting. Still, seems pretty fun.

Museum or art gallery curator. The word curator has lost all its impact in the wacky world of web 4.0— where people think reblogging things on Tumblr counts for something— but people who are actually like, real curators, seem to have cool jobs.

Roadie. Gets to travel with a band/DJ/rapper/whatever and help put on their show. Essentially, they help produce the performance. Super important job and comes with some— but definitely not all— of the perks of being a musician, without actually having to be one. Sweet.

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Now obviously this is an incomplete list of jobs and career paths— I could keep going, and add one hundred more— but I’ll stop here. Because from a distance, strangely, everything is 20/20.

Odds are, I’d work on a boat for a day before I wanted to come home. And playing the same songs over and over as a DJ is probably pretty annoying.

Filing paperwork as a police officer looks torturous. The life of a massage therapist is probably filled with annoying people. A personal trainer has clients who don’t listen and eat like shit.

Tenured professorships are a thing of the past. Musicians are everywhere and will play for free. Forget about buying books, nobody even reads them. Supermarkets barely pay minimum wage.

Actors are a dime a dozen and the chances of making it are zero. You have to stay in school forever to be an Obstetrician. People would rather look at google images than be in museums or art galleries.

YouTube is the new music teacher. Creative Directors have to deal with brands who just want the same stupid shit as everyone else. A car could fall on your head if you were an auto mechanic.

Nobody looks to film criticism for movie advice and working at a hotel is likely insufferable, dealing with pretentious assholes all day. Musicians can’t make enough money anymore to pay roadies, and some people would rather cut their own hair.

See, I think I like the life I have just fine. What about you?