This baby ain’t no part of my culture.
The backlash starts here.
Disclaimer: The writer of this post is English. He drinks cold European lagers in dark pubs, has a disproportionate amount of love for his football team, adores watching cricket, drinks tea, is rarely late, needs to see a dentist more often, dislikes Alanis Morissette for not being ironic, scoffs scones covered in clotted cream, and still thinks it’s cool to use cockney rhyming slang.
It’s too much. I’m cringing as I watch CNN. I’m cringing at the English people on CNN and for once it’s not because of Piers Morgan. Last night, following the announcement that Catherine Elizabeth Mountbatten-Windsor had performed the extraordinarily commonplace act of giving birth, people from my country were surrounding Buckingham Palace and taking to the streets to celebrate. As they did, I shouted at my television. Between the expletives, I didn’t ask them why they were there—I just pleaded with them to go back home. I know why they went. During the Olympics last year, there was a feel good factor across London. As the games continued, people realised that they enjoyed waving little flags, putting up bunting, making cakes, and letting go of their more traditional reserve. Combine that with a lad (and ladette) culture that has never been shy to turn down the chance to drink in the sun, and I know exactly why people were taking advantage of the news.
“Well it’s good news isn’t it. We were on our way home from work when we heard, and the palace is just two stops out of our way and we thought we’d go and see what all the fuss was about.”
—A reveller explaining her presence outside Buckingham Palace on Radio 1
The problem is that this time it means nothing. The Olympics didn’t just allow us to celebrate our culture, they generated money and improved the reputation of our capital around the world. There are those who will always argue over the extent and the particulars, but the Olympics left a legacy. Yes, we hoped for greater numbers, but there are more playing sport. OK, it cost a lot, but there is a really nice green space in the middle of what was a worn-down part of London. This latest addition to the Royal bloodline means nothing to anyone outside of the Windsor family. There is not one tangible positive to be had for the country as a whole. I know it’s harsh to criticise a child who doesn’t yet have a name, but what is he going to do for us?
We can only judge according to precedent. Let’s see what his family have done for us lately. First up, his uncle Harry—a child so spoiled by the combination of unearned wealth and fame that his notable tabloid headlines so far include:
Harry Pothead
Harry the Nazi
Heir it is! (referring to his naked antics in Las Vegas)
Harry’s Racist Video Shame
Harry’s brother might not be as bad, but he was in the shop when Harry bought his Halloween costume and was either not strong enough to tell him no or not intelligent enough to see why it might be wrong.
Let’s go further up the tree, surely the older generation embody what the royal family is all about. How about great-uncle Andrew? He’s a special envoy for the UK and does a marvellous job of jetting around the world encouraging investment and trade. Ah, the thing is, he actually had to resign because of links to a convicted sex offender, and apparently lunching with a dodgy member of the former Tunisian regime. Oh and there was the vacation with a Libyan gun smuggler, and the accusations that he was using the trips abroad to find a buyer for his house.
Then there’s the newly born prince’s great-granddad—a constant and hilarious source of embarrassment. In what should be a pretty insignificant (but enjoyable) role following his wife around the world while she makes speeches, he has so far managed to impart these pearls of wisdom:
“Your country must be half empty. There’s so many of you working for the NHS”
—To a Filipino Nurse“You managed not to get eaten then.”
— To a student on a backpacking trip through Papua New Guinea“Do you still throw spears at each other?”
— To a group of Australian Aborigines“You’ll become slitty-eyed if you stay here much longer.”
—To a group of British students travelling through China
If he follows in their footsteps, then there’s nothing good to come of the royal birth.
Yes, I am highlighting the appalling side of the royals. I have left out the great work the Queen does. I have ignored things like the Prince’s trust, the military service, and even the Olympic medals contributed by the likes of Zara Phillips and her mother. But, for the extortionate amount of decadence that we afford them, they bloody well should produce these things. And they should be able to do so without the ridiculous behaviour of Princes Harry, Andrew, and Philip. More importantly, with David Beckham and Helen Mirren seemingly capable of performing the role of Prince and Queen of the country and paying for themselves, what need do we really have for Elizabeth and William?
So it seems that the Prince of Cambridge is at best destined to be an unnecessary waste of money. In these frugal times, I don’t see that as any reason to celebrate. Indeed if either Wills and Kate had turned out to infertile, that might have been worth toasting. As it is, I do wish the people rejoicing in the royal birth would stop, think, and then realise that there’s a lot more to get excited about.
