Why Porn Stars Shouldn’t Be Required to Wear Condoms

I don’t watch porn to see people make good decisions

Porn stars can’t be required to wear condoms, because who wants to watch an instructional video where the guy’s wearing a condom? I’ll answer that question for you. No one wants to watch an instructional video where the guy’s wearing a condom.

Porn where the guy’s wearing a condom is gross, because it suggests that the girl might have a disease, and the idea that the girl might have a disease is a huge turnoff for me, personally. It completely takes my head out of the game, to use a sports metaphor. A girl would have to have a pretty amazing set of cans to overcome such a handicap, and it’s unlikely, statistically, that she would.

If the girl was that hot, why would she be in porn? She could get a job as a hostess in a restaurant, or a corporate job that doesn’t require any talent or skill, like HR or marketing, and make way more than the average porn chick. Every now and again, you see a porn chick with a truly magnificent set of cans, but usually that’s all she has to recommend her (the face is mad buttery), and she might be on drugs. Most porn chicks are on drugs, but not necessarily while filming, because that’s frowned upon. It can affect the performance.

There’s very little risk of a girl passing AIDS to a guy from straight sex, through the front entry—the only kind that interests me personally. You’ll never get the corporate media or a high school health teacher to admit to this, but it’s true. When I was in high school, way back in the dark ages of the late ‘90s, I saw an episode of Dateline NBC with a couple where the girl had AIDS and the guy didn’t. The guy said they regularly had sex without a condom, but he wasn’t sweating it, because it’s almost impossible for a guy to get AIDS from straight sex. I was of course intrigued: Could it be that every perceived authority figure was lying to me?

Year’s later, I saw the actual stats, and it’s true. Transmission rates of AIDS from girls to guys via straight sex are positively miniscule. Once you adjust for the number of DL brothers, that rate drops to zero. (You’ll have to find those stats yourself. I don’t have a link handy.)

Porn chicks who are against condom use complain that they aren’t completely effective anyway, and they also have a tendency to chafe. If you’re going at it hard, for more than the two and a half minutes sex requires, hitting a lot of weird positions purposely designed so that the guy doesn’t pop before it’s time, I imagine the condom would begin to irritate the girl’s vah-jeen, and it might even break. I’d imagine they’re designed for regular-people sex, and not so much porn sex, and they might not even be particularly useful for the latter.

Gay porn is all condom all the time, even though it’s not required by law in LA, where most porn is shot, which means it’s probably not required by law anywhere, though I’m not sure if it’s legal to shoot porn—gay or otherwise—very many other places. In many places, it’s not even legal for a guy to cornhole another guy. The fact that gay porn stars insist on wearing condoms gives the lie to the idea that AIDS isn’t—still—primarily a gay disease. If it weren’t for the proclivities of hyper-promiscuous, trifling gay guys, the AIDS epidemic wouldn’t be nearly where it is today. That’s not a judgment against gay people; I’m just saying.

Curiously, if it’s true what porn chicks say, that condoms tend to cause chafing, I wonder to what extent condoms cause gay guys’ assholes to tear or bleed, which is one of the main ways AIDS is spread. If a gay porn star uses condoms on set, which completely shreds his asshole, and then takes it up the coat without a rubber in his personal life, it defeats the whole purpose of the condom rule, does it not?

They could just use condoms with everyone they have sex with ever, their entire lives, but that’s no way to go through life. Doing the nasty without your schlong protected is such a superior experience. You don’t last as long, but even that’s a testament to how good it is. Straight guys are fortunate in that, while there’s all sorts of things you can catch from a girl’s vah-jeen, there isn’t anything—as far as I know—that’ll kill you.

And you’re gonna die one day anyway, no matter how much sex you don’t have.